Mari Ness (mariness) wrote,
Mari Ness

Top ten least likely endings to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Just to tide you over -- if you haven't already fled the internet -- for the next few hours:

1. One of Voldemort's Horcruxes turns out to be located in a Starbucks Orange Mocha cappuccino. While some critics decry Rowling's far too obvious attack on modern consumerism and the evils of the coffee trade, Starbucks devotees shake their heads in utter agreement. "I told everyone that stuff was pure evil." Starbucks denies that it was the caterer of choice for the Azkaban prison and that at least three of its board members are actually Dementors. "We categorically deny that we are agents of Voldemort," says a Starbucks spokesperson. "Also, and not to tell Rowling that she's wrong or anything, but we've always seen Voldemort as more of a pure espresso sort." Questions to how Starbucks had become so knowledgeable about Voldemort's choice of coffee remain unanswered, but the chain continues to assert that drinking most Orange Mochas will not actually cause coffee drinkers to swallow small portions of evil cursed souls.

2. Sheep. You don't want to know. Really.

3. Improbably enough, Harry and Voldemort agree to have their final confrontation at a pie eating festival. This, it turns out, is Voldemort's fatal error: he is allergic to lemons, and therefore cannot eat lemon meringue pie. Several Hogwarts students celebrate his lemon meringue demise by throwing cream pies at Snape. Hermione, in the meantime, is finally faced to admit her greatest weakness: she can't make pie crust. Ron eats an apple pie.

4. Although most readers had felt confident that neither Voldemort nor Harry nor Snape nor Percy Weasley was responsible for the death of Laura Palmer, this confidence is sorely tested when a dancing dwarf arrives at the Dursleys, complaining of arm trouble. A frightened Hedwig attacks the dwarf, who moans that "the owls are not what they seem," before urging Hermione to take up a career as a magical strip dancer; readers find the rest of the book difficult to follow and impossible to summarize, except for the bit where Johnny Depp plays a crossdressing Auror accusing Harry of smuggling drugs to France.

5. The last twenty pages of all the books are missing, and readers feel an odd craving for onion rings. Much later, several HBO executives are found mysteriously dead, while others demonstrate symptoms of madness "that we'd attribute to the Cruciatus Curse, if we believed in that sort of thing, which, honestly, as television executives, we kinda do. It's more that we live in the Cruciatus Curse, frankly."

6. After the revelation that Voldemort has been keeping Dick Cheney under the Imperius Curse and invading Iraq "because the sound of bombing brings me such joy, Harry Potter, such joy," FOX News responds with an announcement that Voldemort has been funding the Democratic party and is the chief campaign backer for Hilary Clinton. CNN, meanwhile, to calm terrified viewers, releases more pictures of a pregnant Nicole Ritchie, who tearfully announces that she's carrying Voldemort's love child.

7. Harry, Ron and Hermione, inspired after a drunken night watching the Pirates of the Caribbean movies ("Ron, you really have to find out something about the Muggle world, you can't keep your head wrapped up in magic all the time, and also, this movie has Johnny Depp in it." "Hermoine, don't zombies and talking skeletons and curses kinda count as magic? And how did the Muggles find out about them?" "Would the two of you just shut up?") decide to sneak into Voldemort's headquarters dressed as pirates. In a shocking coincidence, they arrive just as the Death Eaters are hosting their annual "Ninja Rock" party. The ensuing Pirates Vs. Ninjas conflict, while having a deplorable effect on Hermione's dress (which incidentally serves to give Harry and Ron some critical information about female anatomy) finally ends the "Pirates Versus Ninjas" conflict that has troubled the Muggle world so deeply.

8. Harry Potter whispers, "I see dead people." Ron stares back at him. "We all can, mate." Harry Potter whispers, "Yes, but most of you don't know you're dead." Ron notes that he's been living with Fred and George too long to take this kinda thing seriously.

9. The final ending is so utterly satisfying, so utterly right, that not a single fan fiction author can think of a thing they'd change or want to know more about, and overnight, Harry Potter fan fiction vanishes.

10. I fail to read the book.
Tags: harry potter, metaquotes

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