Mari Ness (mariness) wrote,
Mari Ness

An Open Letter to the Cats of this Household

After carefully researching an infallible bastion of current knowledge, the humans of this household have determined that the following actions are not considered torture of cats under the Geneva Conventions:

1. Shutting the door to the laundry room.

2. Shutting the door to the laundry room after failing to notice that a cat was trapped inside.

3. Opening the door to the laundry room thus inadvertently allowing a cat to enter.

4. Failing to leave laundry in the laundry room for the cat to sleep on.

5. Removing a cat from a dryer.

6. Removing a cat from inside a dryer.

7. Not allowing the cat into the laundry room following the above incidents.

8. Making coffee instead of scratching the cat. (In fact, the failure to make coffee may possibly result in some actions that could be considered torture of cats.)

9. Turning on the Roomba.

10. Allowing the Roomba to venture near a couch, bed, or chair.

11. Allowing several dogs unrelated to the humans owned by the cat to be walked, on a leash, on a sidewalk several feet away from a window containing a cat. (While we're on the subject, your humans would like to note that they have no, but no, control over pedestrians on the sidewalk, a group that includes all pedestrians who happen to be accompanied by Interesting Animals.)

12. Venturing outside without the cat.

13. Typing.

14. Consuming ice cream without the assistance of a cat.

15. Consuming peanut butter, which cats do not like, without the assistance of a cat.

16. Removing cat paws from a keyboard.

17. Removing cat paws from a keyboard two seconds later.

18. Removing cat paws from a keyboard for the third time three seconds later.

19. Placing the cat on the floor because the cat continues to put cat paws on the keyboard.

20. Sole or joint use of a pillow by either human.

21. Requesting the cat to not stand right in front of the screen during a Leverage rewatch.

22. Using a can opener to open a can of black beans instead of tuna, especially since the cat would not be getting any tuna anyway even if that were the can getting opened, not because the humans of this household are cruel individuals or unaware of the pleasures of tuna, but because the cat keeps putting paws on the keyboard.

23. Rain, particularly because you are indoor cats.

Your request for tuna as some small compensation for these matters is therefore denied.
Tags: cats

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