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Top ten least likely endings to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:
Jul. 20th, 2007 | 05:32 pm
Just to tide you over -- if you haven't already fled the internet -- for the next few hours:
1. One of Voldemort's Horcruxes turns out to be located in a Starbucks Orange Mocha cappuccino. While some critics decry Rowling's far too obvious attack on modern consumerism and the evils of the coffee trade, Starbucks devotees shake their heads in utter agreement. "I told everyone that stuff was pure evil." Starbucks denies that it was the caterer of choice for the Azkaban prison and that at least three of its board members are actually Dementors. "We categorically deny that we are agents of Voldemort," says a Starbucks spokesperson. "Also, and not to tell Rowling that she's wrong or anything, but we've always seen Voldemort as more of a pure espresso sort." Questions to how Starbucks had become so knowledgeable about Voldemort's choice of coffee remain unanswered, but the chain continues to assert that drinking most Orange Mochas will not actually cause coffee drinkers to swallow small portions of evil cursed souls.
2. Sheep. You don't want to know. Really.
3. Improbably enough, Harry and Voldemort agree to have their final confrontation at a pie eating festival. This, it turns out, is Voldemort's fatal error: he is allergic to lemons, and therefore cannot eat lemon meringue pie. Several Hogwarts students celebrate his lemon meringue demise by throwing cream pies at Snape. Hermione, in the meantime, is finally faced to admit her greatest weakness: she can't make pie crust. Ron eats an apple pie.
4. Although most readers had felt confident that neither Voldemort nor Harry nor Snape nor Percy Weasley was responsible for the death of Laura Palmer, this confidence is sorely tested when a dancing dwarf arrives at the Dursleys, complaining of arm trouble. A frightened Hedwig attacks the dwarf, who moans that "the owls are not what they seem," before urging Hermione to take up a career as a magical strip dancer; readers find the rest of the book difficult to follow and impossible to summarize, except for the bit where Johnny Depp plays a crossdressing Auror accusing Harry of smuggling drugs to France.
5. The last twenty pages of all the books are missing, and readers feel an odd craving for onion rings. Much later, several HBO executives are found mysteriously dead, while others demonstrate symptoms of madness "that we'd attribute to the Cruciatus Curse, if we believed in that sort of thing, which, honestly, as television executives, we kinda do. It's more that we live in the Cruciatus Curse, frankly."
6. After the revelation that Voldemort has been keeping Dick Cheney under the Imperius Curse and invading Iraq "because the sound of bombing brings me such joy, Harry Potter, such joy," FOX News responds with an announcement that Voldemort has been funding the Democratic party and is the chief campaign backer for Hilary Clinton. CNN, meanwhile, to calm terrified viewers, releases more pictures of a pregnant Nicole Ritchie, who tearfully announces that she's carrying Voldemort's love child.
7. Harry, Ron and Hermione, inspired after a drunken night watching the Pirates of the Caribbean movies ("Ron, you really have to find out something about the Muggle world, you can't keep your head wrapped up in magic all the time, and also, this movie has Johnny Depp in it." "Hermoine, don't zombies and talking skeletons and curses kinda count as magic? And how did the Muggles find out about them?" "Would the two of you just shut up?") decide to sneak into Voldemort's headquarters dressed as pirates. In a shocking coincidence, they arrive just as the Death Eaters are hosting their annual "Ninja Rock" party. The ensuing Pirates Vs. Ninjas conflict, while having a deplorable effect on Hermione's dress (which incidentally serves to give Harry and Ron some critical information about female anatomy) finally ends the "Pirates Versus Ninjas" conflict that has troubled the Muggle world so deeply.
8. Harry Potter whispers, "I see dead people." Ron stares back at him. "We all can, mate." Harry Potter whispers, "Yes, but most of you don't know you're dead." Ron notes that he's been living with Fred and George too long to take this kinda thing seriously.
9. The final ending is so utterly satisfying, so utterly right, that not a single fan fiction author can think of a thing they'd change or want to know more about, and overnight, Harry Potter fan fiction vanishes.
10. I fail to read the book.
1. One of Voldemort's Horcruxes turns out to be located in a Starbucks Orange Mocha cappuccino. While some critics decry Rowling's far too obvious attack on modern consumerism and the evils of the coffee trade, Starbucks devotees shake their heads in utter agreement. "I told everyone that stuff was pure evil." Starbucks denies that it was the caterer of choice for the Azkaban prison and that at least three of its board members are actually Dementors. "We categorically deny that we are agents of Voldemort," says a Starbucks spokesperson. "Also, and not to tell Rowling that she's wrong or anything, but we've always seen Voldemort as more of a pure espresso sort." Questions to how Starbucks had become so knowledgeable about Voldemort's choice of coffee remain unanswered, but the chain continues to assert that drinking most Orange Mochas will not actually cause coffee drinkers to swallow small portions of evil cursed souls.
2. Sheep. You don't want to know. Really.
3. Improbably enough, Harry and Voldemort agree to have their final confrontation at a pie eating festival. This, it turns out, is Voldemort's fatal error: he is allergic to lemons, and therefore cannot eat lemon meringue pie. Several Hogwarts students celebrate his lemon meringue demise by throwing cream pies at Snape. Hermione, in the meantime, is finally faced to admit her greatest weakness: she can't make pie crust. Ron eats an apple pie.
4. Although most readers had felt confident that neither Voldemort nor Harry nor Snape nor Percy Weasley was responsible for the death of Laura Palmer, this confidence is sorely tested when a dancing dwarf arrives at the Dursleys, complaining of arm trouble. A frightened Hedwig attacks the dwarf, who moans that "the owls are not what they seem," before urging Hermione to take up a career as a magical strip dancer; readers find the rest of the book difficult to follow and impossible to summarize, except for the bit where Johnny Depp plays a crossdressing Auror accusing Harry of smuggling drugs to France.
5. The last twenty pages of all the books are missing, and readers feel an odd craving for onion rings. Much later, several HBO executives are found mysteriously dead, while others demonstrate symptoms of madness "that we'd attribute to the Cruciatus Curse, if we believed in that sort of thing, which, honestly, as television executives, we kinda do. It's more that we live in the Cruciatus Curse, frankly."
6. After the revelation that Voldemort has been keeping Dick Cheney under the Imperius Curse and invading Iraq "because the sound of bombing brings me such joy, Harry Potter, such joy," FOX News responds with an announcement that Voldemort has been funding the Democratic party and is the chief campaign backer for Hilary Clinton. CNN, meanwhile, to calm terrified viewers, releases more pictures of a pregnant Nicole Ritchie, who tearfully announces that she's carrying Voldemort's love child.
7. Harry, Ron and Hermione, inspired after a drunken night watching the Pirates of the Caribbean movies ("Ron, you really have to find out something about the Muggle world, you can't keep your head wrapped up in magic all the time, and also, this movie has Johnny Depp in it." "Hermoine, don't zombies and talking skeletons and curses kinda count as magic? And how did the Muggles find out about them?" "Would the two of you just shut up?") decide to sneak into Voldemort's headquarters dressed as pirates. In a shocking coincidence, they arrive just as the Death Eaters are hosting their annual "Ninja Rock" party. The ensuing Pirates Vs. Ninjas conflict, while having a deplorable effect on Hermione's dress (which incidentally serves to give Harry and Ron some critical information about female anatomy) finally ends the "Pirates Versus Ninjas" conflict that has troubled the Muggle world so deeply.
8. Harry Potter whispers, "I see dead people." Ron stares back at him. "We all can, mate." Harry Potter whispers, "Yes, but most of you don't know you're dead." Ron notes that he's been living with Fred and George too long to take this kinda thing seriously.
9. The final ending is so utterly satisfying, so utterly right, that not a single fan fiction author can think of a thing they'd change or want to know more about, and overnight, Harry Potter fan fiction vanishes.
10. I fail to read the book.
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Tea: it's not just for staying in mugs anymore.
Jun. 15th, 2007 | 11:32 am
To the Little One:
1) Although I appreciate your desire to demonstrate your skills for me, and although I realize the importance of constant practice, my desk/office area is not actually a training ground for your upcoming performance in the 64th Annual Cat Leaping Acrobatic and Gymnastics Competition, even assuming that you're going, which you're not.
2) When you take a flying leap onto the desk and into my tea mug, several things happen, however graceful your landing: a) the mug goes flying b) liquid splashes onto the fur of your fellow evildoer, triggering an ongoing and frankly painful to the ears series of wails (yes, yes, in retrospect we should not have introduced a half Siamese creature to this household, but hindsight is 50-50) c) your own fur does not emerge unscathed and d) most critically, liquid splashes into a computer keyboard that is not designed to be covered in tea. This makes me, the keyboard, and Windows XP very very unhappy, and by now we should all be aware of the dangers of making any Microsoft product unhappy. On a related note, I'm fairly sure that landing in actual tea disqualifies you from placing in the above named competition.
3) Kitchen cabinets were designed for the storage of food and cooking utensils, not cats.
4) If I tell you to get out of the kitchen cabinet, the proper response is to leave the kitchen cabinet in a prompt fashion, not a yawn.
5) The serano ham with cantaloupe is most distinctly intended for human consumption. Licking it automatically deprives you of tuna privileges for one full month.
6) Climbing into my lap, rolling into a tight ball, and purring, while admittedly adorable, does not counter any of the above rules.
To the Grey One:
1) I was not the one that sent tea flying into your fur.
2) Said tea spillage occurred several minutes ago, and I think we all need to move on now.
3) Don't. Even. Think. About. Going. Into. The Kitchen Cabinet. That. I. Just. Removed. The Other. Cat. From. You'll get tea over everything!
1) Although I appreciate your desire to demonstrate your skills for me, and although I realize the importance of constant practice, my desk/office area is not actually a training ground for your upcoming performance in the 64th Annual Cat Leaping Acrobatic and Gymnastics Competition, even assuming that you're going, which you're not.
2) When you take a flying leap onto the desk and into my tea mug, several things happen, however graceful your landing: a) the mug goes flying b) liquid splashes onto the fur of your fellow evildoer, triggering an ongoing and frankly painful to the ears series of wails (yes, yes, in retrospect we should not have introduced a half Siamese creature to this household, but hindsight is 50-50) c) your own fur does not emerge unscathed and d) most critically, liquid splashes into a computer keyboard that is not designed to be covered in tea. This makes me, the keyboard, and Windows XP very very unhappy, and by now we should all be aware of the dangers of making any Microsoft product unhappy. On a related note, I'm fairly sure that landing in actual tea disqualifies you from placing in the above named competition.
3) Kitchen cabinets were designed for the storage of food and cooking utensils, not cats.
4) If I tell you to get out of the kitchen cabinet, the proper response is to leave the kitchen cabinet in a prompt fashion, not a yawn.
5) The serano ham with cantaloupe is most distinctly intended for human consumption. Licking it automatically deprives you of tuna privileges for one full month.
6) Climbing into my lap, rolling into a tight ball, and purring, while admittedly adorable, does not counter any of the above rules.
To the Grey One:
1) I was not the one that sent tea flying into your fur.
2) Said tea spillage occurred several minutes ago, and I think we all need to move on now.
3) Don't. Even. Think. About. Going. Into. The Kitchen Cabinet. That. I. Just. Removed. The Other. Cat. From. You'll get tea over everything!
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So I woke up this morning and started thinking...
May. 3rd, 2007 | 08:29 am
Just how does Professor Xavier manage to keep the School of Gifted Youngsters in good standing with the New England Association of Colleges and Schools?
Which naturally led to this:
The New England Association of Colleges and Schools Reviews the Application for Renewal of Accreditation from Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters
Dear Professor Xavier,
We have read with interest your application for renewal of accreditation, and have taken the opportunity to do a thorough audit of the documentation, blueprints, weaponry, and other testimony offered by your school. Regrettably, a preliminary review has already found the following concerns:
1) The peer review process: As you are aware, accreditation relies on a voluntary, peer review process. While we appreciate your statement that your school could perhaps best be reviewed by an organization such as the Avengers or the Fantastic Four, we are not aware that either organization holds any special expertise in the field of education, and while we found Dr. Richards' scientific background impressive indeed, we can perceive no evidence that he has stretched himself into a doctorate in education. Indeed, our review of his methodology has led one member to suggest that Dr. Richards should perhaps be reported for shocking child neglect regarding his son, Franklin Richards, but we digress. You may wish instead to contact any of Connecticut's many outstanding Schools of Education, who can provide you with experts in special needs education. We feel that these will be of more use in the accreditation process than anyone who regularly yells, "Flame on!"
2) Financing: As you are doubtless aware, all schools seeking reaccreditation must provide a detailed and audited accounting of their finances, reserves, tuition and capital costs. A "really large trust fund from my grandparents," while fortunate for you personally, does not constitute financial proof of your school's financial footing. Also, we remain concerned about the listing of capital costs for expenditures such as bimonthly roof replacements, a seemingly excessive amount of firefighting equipment, and a stealth missile system. We understand that the recent spate of school shootings has distressed everyone; still, shouldn't a simple security team be sufficient? We must also query about the nature of some items listed under "staff expenses." We are not, for example, entirely certain that your instructors and staff actually need access to their own private plane, especially one equipped with – and we quote from your annual budget – "cool stuff." We are also uncertain as to the nature of the "Shi'ar Empire" you mention as a chief financial backer of your institution. May we suggest more customary investment methods, such as the Cardinal Capital Funds?
3) Instructors and administrators: A thorough review of your staff found several troubling deficiencies here, including, but not limited to:
Female instructors frequently dressed in outfits that some of our reviewers deemed "provocative" and others deemed "really sexist." (On an incidental note, many of us are interested in finding out just how your female staff keeps some of the exotic garb they seem to favor actually attached to their bodies.)
Several instructors accused of a) exploding things, b) physically harming students, c) kidnapping students, d) sleeping with students, e) failing to take sufficient graduate level courses in the subjects that they are expected to teach.
Distressing reports of your self-described "art teacher," a Mr. Logan (full name unknown), described as a psychotic with tendencies towards homicidal mania with a fixation on strange metals. We are of course well aware of the synergy between violence and art, but remain unconvinced that demonstrating the actual fights of a homicidal maniac represents appropriate secondary education pedagogy. You should at the least consider eliminating the claws. And the flying blood. We don't like the flying blood.
3) Your "Danger Room": As educationalists and advocates for the young, we naturally advocate required physical education. Nonetheless, we think you may agree that for most young students, PE is traumatic enough without incidental exposure to heavy flying objects, flames, explosions, and psychological terror that seems to constitute a core part of your Danger Room classes. (Incidentally, is resulting student panic from these classes at all related to your high roof expenditures?) At the least, we would strongly suggest limiting the necessity of infirmary visits for your students. Perhaps you should instead consider a nice focus on basketball?
5) Post-graduate success: We find tremendous concerns in this area, including failure among your graduates to find suitable employment; a tendency of many graduates to participate in wantonly destructive acts; and an alarming rate of mutilation, violent behavior, and even death amongst graduates, with at least one graduate reputedly so traumatized that she is completely unable to touch another human being. Another graduate, a Ms. Jean Grey (Dr.?) appears to have developed a pathological attachment to multiple suicide attempts and various faked "deaths." (See also our concerns under "instructors.") This leads us to question what type of psychological support your school may be offering.
We anticipate making a preliminary visit in a couple of weeks, and look forward to seeing you. Your female instructors should be prepared to wear their usual garb.
Sincerely,
Dr. Raven Darkholme and Dr. Eileen Harsaw,
NAECS
Which naturally led to this:
The New England Association of Colleges and Schools Reviews the Application for Renewal of Accreditation from Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters
Dear Professor Xavier,
We have read with interest your application for renewal of accreditation, and have taken the opportunity to do a thorough audit of the documentation, blueprints, weaponry, and other testimony offered by your school. Regrettably, a preliminary review has already found the following concerns:
1) The peer review process: As you are aware, accreditation relies on a voluntary, peer review process. While we appreciate your statement that your school could perhaps best be reviewed by an organization such as the Avengers or the Fantastic Four, we are not aware that either organization holds any special expertise in the field of education, and while we found Dr. Richards' scientific background impressive indeed, we can perceive no evidence that he has stretched himself into a doctorate in education. Indeed, our review of his methodology has led one member to suggest that Dr. Richards should perhaps be reported for shocking child neglect regarding his son, Franklin Richards, but we digress. You may wish instead to contact any of Connecticut's many outstanding Schools of Education, who can provide you with experts in special needs education. We feel that these will be of more use in the accreditation process than anyone who regularly yells, "Flame on!"
2) Financing: As you are doubtless aware, all schools seeking reaccreditation must provide a detailed and audited accounting of their finances, reserves, tuition and capital costs. A "really large trust fund from my grandparents," while fortunate for you personally, does not constitute financial proof of your school's financial footing. Also, we remain concerned about the listing of capital costs for expenditures such as bimonthly roof replacements, a seemingly excessive amount of firefighting equipment, and a stealth missile system. We understand that the recent spate of school shootings has distressed everyone; still, shouldn't a simple security team be sufficient? We must also query about the nature of some items listed under "staff expenses." We are not, for example, entirely certain that your instructors and staff actually need access to their own private plane, especially one equipped with – and we quote from your annual budget – "cool stuff." We are also uncertain as to the nature of the "Shi'ar Empire" you mention as a chief financial backer of your institution. May we suggest more customary investment methods, such as the Cardinal Capital Funds?
3) Instructors and administrators: A thorough review of your staff found several troubling deficiencies here, including, but not limited to:
Female instructors frequently dressed in outfits that some of our reviewers deemed "provocative" and others deemed "really sexist." (On an incidental note, many of us are interested in finding out just how your female staff keeps some of the exotic garb they seem to favor actually attached to their bodies.)
Several instructors accused of a) exploding things, b) physically harming students, c) kidnapping students, d) sleeping with students, e) failing to take sufficient graduate level courses in the subjects that they are expected to teach.
Distressing reports of your self-described "art teacher," a Mr. Logan (full name unknown), described as a psychotic with tendencies towards homicidal mania with a fixation on strange metals. We are of course well aware of the synergy between violence and art, but remain unconvinced that demonstrating the actual fights of a homicidal maniac represents appropriate secondary education pedagogy. You should at the least consider eliminating the claws. And the flying blood. We don't like the flying blood.
3) Your "Danger Room": As educationalists and advocates for the young, we naturally advocate required physical education. Nonetheless, we think you may agree that for most young students, PE is traumatic enough without incidental exposure to heavy flying objects, flames, explosions, and psychological terror that seems to constitute a core part of your Danger Room classes. (Incidentally, is resulting student panic from these classes at all related to your high roof expenditures?) At the least, we would strongly suggest limiting the necessity of infirmary visits for your students. Perhaps you should instead consider a nice focus on basketball?
5) Post-graduate success: We find tremendous concerns in this area, including failure among your graduates to find suitable employment; a tendency of many graduates to participate in wantonly destructive acts; and an alarming rate of mutilation, violent behavior, and even death amongst graduates, with at least one graduate reputedly so traumatized that she is completely unable to touch another human being. Another graduate, a Ms. Jean Grey (Dr.?) appears to have developed a pathological attachment to multiple suicide attempts and various faked "deaths." (See also our concerns under "instructors.") This leads us to question what type of psychological support your school may be offering.
We anticipate making a preliminary visit in a couple of weeks, and look forward to seeing you. Your female instructors should be prepared to wear their usual garb.
Sincerely,
Dr. Raven Darkholme and Dr. Eileen Harsaw,
NAECS
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Because I'm already irritated -- the Brothers Grimm
Aug. 28th, 2005 | 12:02 pm
My review:
Go rent The Adventures of Baron Munchasen instead.
***********************
That's not a review.
It is so a review.
No, it's not. You have readers now. Not many of them, I admit, but all two of them want an actual review. They want to know what you thought about the movie.
***********************
The Brothers Grimm: A Review.
Go rent The Fisher King, which also has Robin Williams in it.
***********************
Do you not get the concept of review?
Um.
Hmm.
Yes. I do. And that was my review.
Listen. A review's gotta have a couple of things in it. It's gotta mention if you liked the movie or not. The movie's flaws. The movie's good points --
Good points?
Every film has its good points.
Were you watching Dungeons and Dragons?
Even that film had its good points.
Name one.
It ended.
Ok. The Brothers Grimm ended.
We already knew that.
Trust me. At various times during this film we were all wondering if this film would ever, ever end. So, I am now not only giving a review, I'm providing useful information.
Try again.
*************************
The Brothers Grimm: A review
People keep licking toads in this movie. Let's talk about that for a moment. Thing is, toads, even toads not from the exotic island of Madasgascar or the vibrant rain forests of Costa Rica, are nasty. They taste bad. They taste terrible. The reason for this is that toads, and more specifically the bacteria on the toads, are constantly secreting toxins that cover the skin of the toad to keep you and other predators from eating or licking the toad. Many of these toxins are alkaloids that will kill you, so if you are running around licking toads, which you shouldn't be doing anyway since in the very vague explanation that serves for plot in the film you are supposed to be saving young children, not licking them or their toads, you would most probably stop licking the toad as soon as you tasted it or keel over dead or perhaps imagine very odd things, like living in a world where people insist on only filming intelligent scripts.
*************************
In a long, long history of film criticism several chapters have been undoubtedly devoted to the rule that film reviews should not include long and generally useless diversions about alkaloids on toad skins that were never once mentioned in the movie.
It would have been a better movie if they had talked about this.
Undoubtedly, but here's a thought: try reviewing the film and not discussing toads?
************************
The Brothers Grimm: A review.
Brazil is a dazzling set piece, a mass of confusion and visual works that simultaneously draws you in and repels you and makes you wonder what the hell is going on and if Gilliam's visionary creativity can ever actually be captured on film giving the limitations of film back in the 1980s and even today.
The Brothers Grimm doesn't do any of that.
************************
There.
You can't just review a movie by making constant comparisons to the director's earlier work. In fact, any review that just rests on comparisons to earlier films is total crap. It's awful. It's wrong. It isn't a review.
You're not doing much for my self-esteem here.
I'm telling you to write the review.
I hate to tell you this, but those two readers you mentioned a short while back? They've already fled, since they're the sorts that get easily irritated by this type of meta-critical dialogue that allows us to pretend that we are delighted to be working within the tropes of post-modernism or just trying to be a bit clever. That, or they didn't like the part about the toad licking.
Then it doesn't matter if this review's any good or not, does it?
*************************
( A review, if you're still with me. )
Go rent The Adventures of Baron Munchasen instead.
***********************
That's not a review.
It is so a review.
No, it's not. You have readers now. Not many of them, I admit, but all two of them want an actual review. They want to know what you thought about the movie.
***********************
The Brothers Grimm: A Review.
Go rent The Fisher King, which also has Robin Williams in it.
***********************
Do you not get the concept of review?
Um.
Hmm.
Yes. I do. And that was my review.
Listen. A review's gotta have a couple of things in it. It's gotta mention if you liked the movie or not. The movie's flaws. The movie's good points --
Good points?
Every film has its good points.
Were you watching Dungeons and Dragons?
Even that film had its good points.
Name one.
It ended.
Ok. The Brothers Grimm ended.
We already knew that.
Trust me. At various times during this film we were all wondering if this film would ever, ever end. So, I am now not only giving a review, I'm providing useful information.
Try again.
*************************
The Brothers Grimm: A review
People keep licking toads in this movie. Let's talk about that for a moment. Thing is, toads, even toads not from the exotic island of Madasgascar or the vibrant rain forests of Costa Rica, are nasty. They taste bad. They taste terrible. The reason for this is that toads, and more specifically the bacteria on the toads, are constantly secreting toxins that cover the skin of the toad to keep you and other predators from eating or licking the toad. Many of these toxins are alkaloids that will kill you, so if you are running around licking toads, which you shouldn't be doing anyway since in the very vague explanation that serves for plot in the film you are supposed to be saving young children, not licking them or their toads, you would most probably stop licking the toad as soon as you tasted it or keel over dead or perhaps imagine very odd things, like living in a world where people insist on only filming intelligent scripts.
*************************
In a long, long history of film criticism several chapters have been undoubtedly devoted to the rule that film reviews should not include long and generally useless diversions about alkaloids on toad skins that were never once mentioned in the movie.
It would have been a better movie if they had talked about this.
Undoubtedly, but here's a thought: try reviewing the film and not discussing toads?
************************
The Brothers Grimm: A review.
Brazil is a dazzling set piece, a mass of confusion and visual works that simultaneously draws you in and repels you and makes you wonder what the hell is going on and if Gilliam's visionary creativity can ever actually be captured on film giving the limitations of film back in the 1980s and even today.
The Brothers Grimm doesn't do any of that.
************************
There.
You can't just review a movie by making constant comparisons to the director's earlier work. In fact, any review that just rests on comparisons to earlier films is total crap. It's awful. It's wrong. It isn't a review.
You're not doing much for my self-esteem here.
I'm telling you to write the review.
I hate to tell you this, but those two readers you mentioned a short while back? They've already fled, since they're the sorts that get easily irritated by this type of meta-critical dialogue that allows us to pretend that we are delighted to be working within the tropes of post-modernism or just trying to be a bit clever. That, or they didn't like the part about the toad licking.
Then it doesn't matter if this review's any good or not, does it?
*************************
( A review, if you're still with me. )