Mari Ness

I very much fear that simplykathryn, who sent me the link below, has fallen victim to the Squirrel Public Relations Campaign:

Squirrel does gospel.

She claims this is proof that squirrels can be good. I claim it's proof that squirrels are naturally deceptive.

Another fine journalist realizes the evil.

With warnings like this, we have a chance, people. A chance.

We're supposed to fight the squirrels, not build them low income housing!

I love this comic.

And now it's time for me to carry out my threat of going to bed.

See. I told you.

From caligatia.

I know, I know. Most of you think that the Republican candidates are wasting our time chatting about the Confederate flag again (from the Department of Stating the Obvious: Uh, dudes? The Confederacy lost. I'm all for embracing utterly lost and idiotic historical causes myself -- let's hear it for the innocence of Richard III! -- and if you wanna fly a nice racist symbol on your own property, be my guest, but can we cut this inanity about displaying a Confederate flag on federal property already? Again: South = lost. Ok. Siderant over.) but I am pleased to tell you that at least one candidate has addressed what should be the real concern of voters everywhere: Do our candidates possess the practical knowledge of how to fry squirrels on popcorn poppers? I must admit that, otherwise, Mike Huckabee and I agree on absolutely nothing, and I am disturbed by his ongoing refusal to discuss other tactics in the squirrel war -- note that he is completely failing to promise that he will put squirrels in the White House popcorn poppers -- but at least someone is paying attention to this critical issue.

On a related note, scientists have now uncovered proof of deceptive squirrel tactics. Fear them, my friends. Fear them.

Photographic evidence.

Thanks to mdg1 for the warning.

Alert reader wolfblade warned me that some people are beginning to make plate mail armor for squirrels. Yes. You read (or saw) that correctly. Plate mail armor. For squirrels. About the only positive note here: I'm rather hoping that $60 is beyond the average budget for a squirrel.

On a considerably more reassuring note, hummingwolf notes that you -- yes, you -- can now purchase dehydrated squirrel meat over the internet, and, best of all, it's certified "rabies free." (Yet another activity that I was unaware the federal government engaged in: rabies free certification.) The tagline perhaps describes it best: "Dehydrated squirrels so you can spend more time at home and less time hunting," immediately and correctly identifying the problematic scheduling needs of the modern hunter.

Meanwhile, squirrels are trying to ruin Christmas for the good people of Milwaukee. Or trying to raise the city's budget with the alarming line item of "squirrel damage."

And finally, fizzgig_bites wants you to be aware of the the effects of toxic waste on squirrels. I told you the paranoia is justified.

dragonbane reminds me that Swedish Chefs, too, have problems with squirrels:

I hate having lunch with someone who is staring at me through sunglasses. But this isn't that rant. Rather, this is about the squirrels. Or rather about one squirrel.

I currently work, as noted, in Boca, a town with several good qualities, I suppose, but one showing an alarming lack of concern regarding the aggressive cuteness of its resident squirrels. Don't underestimate this: with my own eyes I have seen several otherwise honest, sensible people see a squirrel, stop everything they are doing, and squeak, "Ooooh, how cute! Camera! Let's get it a cookie from Starbucks!* I so need a camera for moments like these."

(Some of you are immediately going to object to my description of my coworkers and friends as honest and sensible. You may have a point there, but still, these squirrels have an Evil Influence.)

Even I, a stalwart soldier in the squirrel war, must admit that I have...ahem...said....No. I won't reveal what I've said. I will admit that I have spent significant time watching them. Just, of course, for safety purposes. Really.

Which brings us to today's lunch.

My lunch companion and I were dining outside at Boneheads, a restaurant located dangerously close to a Starbucks and conveniently across the street from my office, minding our own business, when a squirrel started to dance with a large stick. By "large" I mean about one inch thick and slightly longer than the squirrel, forked on one end. The squirrel loved this stick, and by loved, I mean, occasionally landed on and wiggled on the stick in a manner not safe to describe in a semi-family friendly blog. This sort of activity often resulted in the squirrel flipping over and having the stick in its little paws, where it
tried to juggle the stick, then aggressively attack the stick, chewing on it, then hop around the stick, then chew on the stick, and then return to the not entirely family friendly activities. (I'll just note that unless all of my biology classes have lied, this sort of activity will also not result in the production of little squirrels, which just makes it more unfamily friendly.)

This was mesmerizing enough, and resulted in several cries of "Oooh, look at that cute squirrel!" from a few diners, along with, "Um, is that squirrel doing what I think it's doing to the stick?" from a few more observant diners.

This sort of attention is bad for squirrels that know just how cute they are. This particular squirrel halted its jumping activities, looked up, saw the diners, and put on a disarming, utterly cute squirrel look, the sort of look that reassures everyone looking at the squirrel that the squirrel is completely harmless and not about to run through the diners
leaping over the feet of one of them before returning to attack the stick and giving us another cute look and jumping up to leap over our table before running back to the stick and returning to its activities, presumably hoping that the stick had been suitably impressed by all this.

No, no, the said feet were not mine. They belonged to a diner at a neighboring table, who has just had her faith in the cuteness of squirrels severely threatened.

My lunch companion doubled over.

"I...have...to...give...it....your....fries...."

"My fries?"

"I just have zucchini...."

The squirrel, however, preferred the taste of stick to the taste of fries (this is no reflection on Boneheads, which actually makes relatively decent seasoned fries), and eventually disappeared up a tree. Just as well; otherwise, we might not have finished lunch.

*As far as I know, Starbucks has retained a strict neutrality in the squirrel war, not expressing any specific opinions on squirrels one way or another, but they do strongly endorse the purchase of baked products, if without specifying squirrel use.

But it would not be Thanksgiving without yet another attempt by the squirrels to up the stakes in their war against us: first, by knocking out power to hundreds of residents who were merely frantically trying to prepare for the approach of relatives, and second, in the "I seriously can't make this up" story of the day, by pretending to be orangutans.

Long time readers will recall that our squirrel enemies have already successfully pretended to be bears. Now, they're aping orangutans*. I shudder to think what disguise they might try next.

*Sorry. I haven't had caffeine yet and the pun simply would not be resisted.

Flaming kamikaze squirrel sets car on fire.

Yes, you are reading that correctly. A squirrel deliberately and maliciously set itself on fire and jumped on a Toyota Camry which then detonated.

We are assured that the Toyota Camry in question, unlike the squirrel, was fully insured, although the thought of attempting to explain this one to an unfriendly insurance agent is not a happy one.

Even more troubling are the responses to this article, including, and I quote: "Yes, bird/squirrel feeders cost money, but weigh that against your aggravation, loss of power, and potentially losing your possessions to a flaming rodent."

People: we do not respond to unprovoked flaming flying squirrel attacks by feeding the squirrels. We respond by fearing the squirrels.

In related news, some squirrels have taken to impersonating bears. Terrifying though this is, an even more worrisome comment appears about halfway through the argument, from a comment by the Colorado Division of Wildlife: "I don't think a squirrel would do much damage."

Memo to the Colorado Division of Wildlife: squirrels are setting themselves on fire, blowing up cars, and imitating bears. And they have plague. As scientists, you might just want to check the accuracy of your "much damage" statement.

Thanks to dzuunmod for the first link. Worried thoughts towards my Colorado friends with the second.

Actually, I'm so tired tonight that I probably will sleep well, but I couldn't go to sleep until I had alerted you all to the very latest stages of the squirrel war:

1. Meanwhile, the BBC has finally found the courage to ask the question troubling us all: Can the squirrel problem be solved? Check out the helpful and yet entirely untruthful captioning in their photos. (Honestly, BBC. Can you truly tell us that any squirrels are loved?) Bonus: the BBC blames the Americans (doesn't everyone?) even as it delicately hints that at least some of these questionable squirrels are -- gasp -- French. Or Dutch. Distinctly Continental, whatever.

2. But in this case, the BBC may be justified in blaming Americans, since, as the York Daily Record informs us, Americans aren't just refusing to shoot squirrels up with birth control hormones, but they are actually (and this may be painful for you to read) giving legal protection to squirrels. That's right. Squirrels. And worse, they're giving legal protection to flying squirrels. Do we have no government leaders with foresight anymore? (On second thought, you might not want to answer that question.)

3. And finally, on an even more troubling note, squirrel forces 11 year old boy to shoot at truck. Questions are raised about the cost and efficiency of the local emergency response team when the victim chooses to drive himself to the hospital. No word on the current whereabouts of this squirrel.

Squirrels mount battle against helpless elementary school.

Sent to me by my mother. See, squirrels? Even my mother is on the alert now.

This may well be the best thing I've read all day, from the valiant fight of the Red Sox against that force of evil, the Yankees:

But more significant, perhaps, was the pesky and distracting squirrel that scampered up and down the right-field foul pole during the game and that, according to Norse mythology, just might have foretold that the Yankees will not prevail over the Red Sox this season.

Believe it or not, the squirrel’s actions closely resembled those of Ratatosk, or “gnawing tooth,” a squirrel in Norse mythology that climbed up and down a tree that represented the world. Snorri Sturluson, an Icelandic scholar and poet, recorded the story in his 13th-century work “Prose Edda.”

More at Boingboing here and here.

I have to admit, my spine tingles, and in a bad way*, at the thought of squirrels taking their battles into what should be the sacrosanct world of baseball, but at least in this case they seem to be using their powers to fight the evil that is the Yankees. (Although I admit I must question the conclusion here. After all, unless I'm greatly misreading the score, the Yankees did win. Which suggests one confused squirrel. Which should be a relief to all of us.)

Sent my way by penguinicity and jackolantern.

*Although the spine tingling might also be a lingering aftershock from the evil of Universal's CityWalk, not the evil of squirrels. Without the proper implements, it's difficult to tell.

Rattlesnakes freaked out by the deadly heat controlling skills of squirrels.

I always knew that those fluffy tails contained something, but I'll readily admit that I had no idea that squirrels used their fluffy tails to terrify, and I am not making this up, rattlesnakes. If they can can practice their terror skills on such venomous creatures, what's next?

Much thanks to fizzgig_bites for the link.

Squirrel. Stealing. Chocolate.

I am officially freaking out now. Officially.

I'm not sure if I can thank galador42 for this link. :)