urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness Mari Ness Mari Ness 2013-05-22T14:49:23Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1137910 2013-05-22T14:49:23Z 2013-05-22T14:49:23Z From virtually everyone on Twitter: <a href="http://phx.corporate-ir.net/phoenix.zhtml?c=176060&amp;p=irol-newsArticle&amp;ID=1823219&amp;highlight=">Amazon announces plan to make money from fan fiction.</a><br /><br />The best part: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/ref=amb_link_375976362_1?ie=UTF8&amp;docId=1001197431&amp;pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&amp;pf_rd_s=center-3&amp;pf_rd_r=143HXD5YKVH8AXFSJBZP&amp;pf_rd_t=1401&amp;pf_rd_p=1549889182&amp;pf_rd_i=1001197421">The guidelines.</a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1137473 2013-05-20T17:31:43Z 2013-05-20T19:50:53Z Two separate things caught me about the film. One was how, in such contrast to the original series, it offers a very bleak vision of Starfleet Command – this is far more the Star Trek of <em>Deep Space Nine</em>, but even that had a more optimistic touch at times. And two, of course, was just how badly various elements needed to be snarked.<br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a><br /><br />Film BEGINS with the TRADEMARK J.J. ABRAMS lensflare BEFORE the production credits have EVEN ENDED. More lensflares FOLLOW as the camera FLARES FLARES FLARES down to a RED jungle land peopled by IGNORANT natives who are SO IGNORANT they have built a temple thing CLOSE to a volcano, and are not FLEEING even though the volcano is VISIBLY SMOKING and RED HOT with what COULD be lava but is MORE LIKELY computer animation. The camera zooms down THROUGH the red jungle to show us two masked and hooded figures FLEEING the temple carrying something which they have STOLEN from the temple, followed by some VERY ANGRY ignorant natives. A not very surprising reveal SHOWS us that the HOODED figures are in fact Bones and Kirk, running and running, and the ignorant natives are ignorant natives who can be ALMOST but NOT ENTIRELY stopped in their tracks by a NICE HANGING CANVAS.<br /><br />Spock: Captain! I was under the impression that this was going to be a voyage of volcano exploration, not an <em>Indiana Jones</em> film!<br /><br />Bones: The ignorant natives are trying to kill us! Are you in the volcano yet?<br /><br />Spock: No! We need some establishing shots to demonstrate that Sulu will be the REAL voice of reason and logic in this film, and that Uhura and I are still in a relationship which is somewhat strained by my INABILITY to get her jokes. Don't expect that issue to go anywhere. Ok! I'm ready to dive into the volcano!<br /><br />My brother, the geologist: I'm losing my suspension of disbelief here.<br /><br />Kirk and Bones: And now, we shall DIVE off the cliff DOWN DOWN into the sea where the Enterprise is SECRETLY STASHED. Given that standard procedure, established in multiple prior episodes of multiple different parts of this franchise, is to have the starship go ROUND AND ROUND the planet so that NONE OF THE IGNORANT, VOLCANO WORSHIPPING NATIVES can SEE it unless they have RADAR or happen to be looking UP at the right time, it's not at all clear WHY I have stashed the Enterprise BENEATH AN OCEAN. Maybe it's to signal the upcoming MASSIVE CONFUSION about the CAPABILITIES OF TRANSPORTERS/BEAMING ME UP, SCOTTY.<br /><br />Scotty, speaking for me: You do realize that starships were not exactly designed to spend extensive time in salt water?<br /><br />Kirk: It's going to make for an awesome scene in about two minutes. How's Spock?<br /><br />Spock: Kinda hot. Don't you know anything about volcanos?<br /><br />Kirk: About the same as the screenwriters, which is to say, not much. <br /><br />Chekov and Scotty: Although usually we can BEAM PEOPLE UP from or into ANYWHERE, including SHIPS GOING AT WARP SPEED, for some reason, the COMBINATION of the OCEAN and the VOLCANO means we CAN'T BEAM SPOCK UP AND LET HIM SET OFF A COLD FUSION DEVICE to STOP THE VOLCANO and save an ENTIRE CIVILIZATION of native people unless we PUT the Enterprise OVER THE VOLCANO.<br /><br />Kirk: And that reason is...<br /><br />Chekov and Scotty: Plot contrivance!<br /><br />Spock: You cannot come rescue me, Kirk, since that would require taking the Enterprise OUT OF THE WATER and allowing the IGNORANT NATIVE PEOPLE to see us, THUS BREAKING THE PRIME DIRECTIVE. <br /><br />Kirk: Like anyone on this franchise has ever listened to the damn prime directive anyway.<br /><br />Spock: YOU CAN'T! I shall stay here and die quietly in the volcano.<br /><br />My brother, the geologist: I don't think that's actually a volcano.<br /><br />Kirk: But when you set off the COLD FUSION DEVICE to STOP THE VOLCANO, you'll DIE.<br /><br />My brother, the geologist: I don't think that's how it works.<br /><br />Spock: I AM PREPARED!<br /><br />Bones: To be fair, he'd let you die.<br /><br />Kirk: THE DILEMMA! THE DILEMMA! Wait. I'm Kirk. What dilemma?<br /><br />To SWELLING MUSIC, Enterprise RISES from the OCEAN and heads TO THE VOLCANO, rescuing Spock at the VERY LAST MINUTE. Spock's COLD FUSION device STOPS the volcano.<br /><br />Ignorant native people: Well,THAT'S a lot more interesting than the volcano.<br /><br />My brother, the geologist: I have lost my suspension of disbelief.<br /><br />Kirk: Time to celebrate my ignorance of geology, which allowed me to believe that a volcano eruption could be halted with a COLD FUSION device, with a nice threesome! Oh, damn. Phone. Even in the future you're never free.<br /><br />Spock: I think we're in trouble.<br /><br />Kirk: Are you kidding? We're up for this awesome awesome deep space mission thanks to our great volcano stopping device.<br /><br />Spock: Let us NEVER mention that again. We are supposed to be the SCIENCE FICTION franchise, remember? The one that focuses on science, not the Force.<br /><br />Kirk: I'm not sure our screenwriters know the difference.<br /><br /><br />Pike: Kirk, wanna talk about your little trip to the volcano?<br /><br />Kirk: I thought it went well. Everyone lived.<br /><br />Pike: Kirk. You are reckless! You broke the Prime Directive and lots of regulations and you lied on the Captain's Log. For someone who seemed to do some maturing in the last flick, you've certainly backtracked.<br /><br />Kirk: How did you find out?<br /><br />Spock: I told him.<br /><br />Kirk: AUUGH!<br /><br />Spock: Look. By now you really should have a clue that I have a tendency to do these sorts of things. <br /><br />Pike: Kirk, you're totally demoted.<br /><br />Meanwhile, over in London, Mickey from Doctor Who and his wife not from Doctor Who put on Very Sad Expressions and go through a very modern London to a Children's Hospital with Floating Hospital Beds. Despite all of this advanced technology and a TOY RABBIT their cute little daughter is DYING. Mickey looks VERY SAD.<br /><br />Sherlock Holmes: I can help with that.<br /><br />Mickey: How?<br /><br />Sherlock Holmes: If you agree to completely betray Starfleet and blow up some of your coworkers, Mickey, I'll save your cute little daughter with MAGICAL BLOOD. I'll even THROW in the little TOY RABBIT. As a bonus, this will help EXPLAIN an otherwise COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS plot twist later. Well. It won't help explain things very much.<br /><br />Mickey: We're sure the rabbit is safe?<br /><br />Sherlock: Yep.<br /><br />Mickey: Well, then. Blowing up a small part of London with connections to Deep Space Nine that will only be caught by diehard fans and friends of diehard fans who get texted with "OHMIGOD THEY HAD A DEEP SPACE NINE REF IN LONDON" leaving friends to go "WHAT?" and creating VAST CONFUSION it is then!<br /><br />Parts of London BLOW UP.<br /><br />Pike: Kirk! How convenient of you to treat your understandable irritation at getting fired from your job for saving your friend and an entire civilization by getting drunk, since this will allow me to REFERENCE parts of the FIRST movie which the AUDIENCE has MOSTLY forgotten. While we're talking about CONVENIENT PLOT THINGS, I'll just...give you a job as my First Officer right before we get informed about these London bombings.<br /><br />Kirk, Spock and Pike arrive to a Starfleet conference of Captains and First Officers that is MOSTLY MEN, although previous installments have assured us that yes, women have gained MANY high ranking positions in Starfleet and should presumably be here as well oh well. <br /><br />Kirk: Doesn't the London target strike you as odd?<br /><br />Starfleet: We've watched Deep Space Nine and we're a bit spoiled, so no, although the snarker was completely confused by the inadequate text conversation about this so can't explain it.<br /><br />Kirk: Ok, but the proper response to this would be to gather all the tactical people into a single room and –<br /><br />Sherlock: You wanted me to go BOOM?<br /><br />Various things go BOOM. Pike DIES along with MANY other EXTRAS. Kirk manages to bring down Sherlock's ship with a FIRE HOSE but SHERLOCK, being SERIOUSLY MORE AWESOME THAN ANYONE, TELEPORTS away. <br /><br />Kirk: Well, that sucks. On the other hand, CAPTAIN AGAIN! My setbacks really don't last long, do they?<br /><br />Scotty: I've found Sherlock! He beamed himself over to the Klingon Empire with a portable transporter station!<br /><br />Kirk: Can he DO that? We couldn't even get Spock out of the volcano! Didn't previous parts of the franchise assure us that beaming has a LIMITED RANGE?<br /><br />Scotty: The first rule of beaming people around is, if you need it for the plot, you can do it. If you don't need it, or can do something much more cool, you can't do it. <br /><br />Kirk: Admiral Marcus! You need to let me go to the Klingon Empire to get revenge on this guy, even though I'll be breaking several Stargate regulations and this could start a war with the Klingons.<br /><br />Admiral Marcus: Sounds like an awesome plan to me! Especially since, you know, they're Klingons and war is coming anyway. Just one tiny, tiny tiny little change: Can you take along these 72 thoroughly innocent little torpedos? And, er, blow them into Chronos, a world the Klingons are kinda fond of?<br /><br />Kirk: Sure thing! Can I take Spock?<br /><br />Admiral Marcus: We're all so fond of each other right now, why not?<br /><br />Spock: Shouldn't we be a touch more skeptical of this highly immoral plan?<br /><br />Kirk: No. Plus, I am distracted by hot blonde chick.<br /><br />Hot blonde chick: Hi, I'm Carol Marcus. You may remember me from my last incarnation as a vital, passionate scientist who was Kirk's very much former love interest whose research was part of the basis for the plot. In this film, I'm here to do things that could be done by virtually any other character in the film and show everyone my underwear. Hi, Kirk!<br /><br />Scotty: Captain! I dunna trust these torpedoes! They won't tell me what's in them!<br /><br />Kirk: I'm sure they're just filled with nice explosive weaponry. I mean, they're torpedoes, and it's not like we put, say, dead or nearly dead or frozen bodies in torpedoes in the previous films that Carol was in or anything.<br /><br />Scotty: That's the thing! These potentially dangerous torpedoes are going to be RIGHT NEAR a RADIOACTIVE warp core drive! This doesn't bother you?<br /><br />Kirk: Since we will later discover that I know very very little about the finer points of engineering, no, not really.<br /><br />Scotty: THEN I QUIT!<br /><br />Kirk: I'd be worried about this, but this sort of thing doesn't last too long in this film. Chekov! Go take over engineering!<br /><br />Chekov: Surely there's, I dunno, someone in the <em>engineering</em> department with a materials science degree more suited to this?<br /><br />Kirk: Or, you!<br /><br />Chekov: Right! Well, time for me to look mostly incompetent.<br /><br />Kirk: ATTENTION CREW! We are currently flying to the Klingon Empire. Instead of BLOWING up their planet, which might start an ALL OUT WAR that would DESTROY our ENTIRE SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET, we're instead going to capture Sherlock and bring him back to face trial.<br /><br />Spock: Carol Marcus. I can't help noticing three things about you. One, for a physicist and weapons specialist you are really not doing anything useful. Two, you used a false name to get on board this ship. Three, you were never ever assigned to this ship.<br /><br />Carol: You got me. Something is WRONG about these missiles!<br /><br />Any hopes for uncovering everyone's SECRET AGENDAS are lost as the Enterprise falls out of warp.<br /><br />Kirk: Chekov! What happened?<br /><br />Chekov: You didn't put this place in charge of an engineer! You KNOW these engines blow up like every four episodes.<br /><br />Kirk: Well, we'll just have to make the best of it. Sulu, take the captain's chair and get ready to threaten Sherlock. Spock, Uhura, two people in red shirts, come with me on this stolen ship. We're pretending to be smugglers. Everyone got it? Red shirt dudes, lose the red shirts.<br /><br />Red shirt dudes: YAY! WE'RE GOING TO LIVE!<br /><br />Kirk: No, I just need you to look SLIGHTLY more sneaky.<br /><br />Red shirt dudes: Damn it! We knew we should have gone into science or medical!<br /><br />Spock: Uhura, do you have a problem with me?<br /><br />Kirk: Is this really the moment?<br /><br />Uhura: Yes, yes I do. So does Kirk. You were just going to die in that volcano, thinking only of an ENTIRE CIVILIZATION at risk, and not of me – of us!<br /><br />Spock: I'm just going to play the Romulans destroyed my home planet card.<br /><br />Uhura: Glad this ended before I came out looking really selfish and self-serving.<br /><br />Before the moment can get TOO heartwarming, a KLINGON Warbird appears.<br /><br />Kirk: In retrospect perhaps we should have stolen a ship with some weapons capability.<br /><br />Uhura: Kirk! I speak Klingon! Let me go talk to them! As a bonus the audience will be able to see my lovely, lovely legs.<br /><br />Kirk: I can go for that.<br /><br />Uhura and the Klingons chat in a UNFRIENDLY sort of way about honor until SHERLOCK STARTS SHOOTING everyone just cause. PHASERS pop out everywhere. Klingons DIE in suitably DRAMATIC fashions.<br /><br />Sulu: I'll launch missiles at you, Sherlock! I'm SO NOT KIDDING HERE.<br /><br />Sherlock: How many missiles are we talking about, exactly?<br /><br />Kirk: 72.<br /><br />Sherlock: Well, in that case, I surrender. I surrender lots. Please don't find this at all suspicious.<br /><br />Bones: I need a blood sample. And THIS TRIBBLE.<br /><br />Everyone: ....this tribble?<br /><br />Tribble: Hi! No, no, of COURSE I'm not foreshadowing later scientifically questionable plot twists! I'm just a cute addition to the set. No, oh Doctor Bones, I don't at all mind you shooting me up with strange DNA stuff for testing purposes, although given the myriad species issues involved here and the small issue that I'M AN ALIEN I'm not sure how exactly this is working out. I think I liked it better when I was just cute and fluffy and used for comedy purposes.<br /><br />Bones: And now that we've established your presence for later, pay no attention to the tribble inside the glass container.<br /><br />Sherlock: It's time for me to admit it: I'm not ACTUALLY Sherlock Holmes! I'm KHAN! Let's not get into the fact that I no longer look Indian or Mexican and instead REVEL in the EVILNESS of my lovely, lovely, rich British voice. <br /><br />Audience: OOOH.<br /><br />Kirk: Since that name has more meaning to our audience than for us, fill us in.<br /><br />Khan: I'm genetically enhanced quickly healing evil. However, you should COMPLETELY trust me. Admiral Marcus is using us both! And to prove this, I am going to give you a set of coordinates that you should totally check out.<br /><br />Kirk: To be fair, I'm still dealing with grief and sleep deprivation, plus, it's not like Admiral Marcus has exactly been the most trustworthy figure so far. Ok! Let's check out these coordinates!<br /><br />Spock: You do know the guy's evil, right?<br /><br />Scotty: I'm DRINKING HERE. But, ok, if I need to make a quick trip to Jupiter, I can make a quick trip to Jupiter. The bar will still be here. Well. Bars will still be here.<br /><br />Carol: Do we need another gratuitous underwear moment?<br /><br />Kirk: Well, I'd be all up for that, but actually we need to check out those torpedoes. Mind you, with Spock, Chekov and all kinds of Skilled and Talented Engineers and Science Folk around, I have no idea why we're sending you and Bones to open up torpedoes other than to try to give you some reason to be in this film that doesn't involve your underwear. <br /><br />Bones: I shall – get my arm almost crushed in an attempt to open this torpedo! Damn it! THE TORPEDO has armed itself and is about ready to blow itself up!<br /><br />Kirk: Beam them up!<br /><br />Chekov: Remember what we said about PLOT CONTRIVANCE? I CAN'T DO IT! Not while he is attached to the torpedo!<br /><br />Carol: Fortunately, as a physicist, I can disarm this. It's not clear why I didn't DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE.<br /><br />Bones: On the bright side, we now learn why it was useful for me to be here. Kirk, everyone – it's FULL OF BODIES!<br /><br />Khan: See? I'm not EVIL. I'm just protecting 72 evil people frozen in little chambers for 300 years. TOTALLY DIFFERENT.<br /><br />Scotty GOES to Jupiter, encountering a RATHER large space but REALLY REALLY secret platform that is building HUGE spaceships. <br /><br />Scotty: Oooh! Fortunately for me and the plot, TOP SECRET advanced starships are remarkably easy to sneak on board!<br /><br />Carol: And you thought my earlier popping on board the Enterprise without official authorization was just a gratuitous way to get in a later underwear scene.<br /><br />Marcus: Hand over Khan, Kirk, like, right now. Cause I'm your superior officer and it is not remotely suspicious that I have managed to bring a starship all the way out to Klingon land without anyone else in Starfleet noticing and protesting. Ok, extremely improbable, but not remotely suspicious.<br /><br />Kirk: WARP IT, SULU!<br /><br />Marcus BLOWS Enterprise OUT of warp RATHER CONVENIENTLY CLOSE to EARTH and then BEGINS SHOOTING UP THE ENTERPRISE. <br /><br />Kirk: Ok, that one I REALLY didn't see coming.<br /><br />Carol: DADDY! I'm on the Enterprise! If you destroy the starship, you'll kill me!<br /><br />Marcus: You seriously haven't been paying attention to the PLOT CONTRIVANCE BEAMING, have you? Beam her over! Even if she's running in slow motion since that is....obviously not the best way to avoid getting beamed up, even though we've already seen that MOVING AROUND makes it TOO DIFFICULT to BEAM PEOPLE UP.<br /><br />Carol: Wow. I seriously am the most worthless person in the plot. Oh well. <br /><br />Marcus: HAND OVER the 72 bodies! And Khan!<br /><br />Kirk: Not so much. Sorry, everybody!<br /><br />Marcus: DESTROY THE ENTERPRISE!<br /><br />Kirk: Brace for death!<br /><br />Marcus's ship FAILS TO SHOOT TORPEDOS.<br /><br />Kirk: Or, not.<br /><br />Scotty: Hi, everyone. In a twist that no one could have seen coming, all of the weapons on this ultra secret starship can be shut down by a single person. What were the odds?<br /><br />Marcus: STILL GOING TO KILL YOU.<br /><br />Kirk: Ok, new plan! Khan! We need to dive through a space field full of debris to get to the other ship to capture Marcus. You in?<br /><br />Khan: Is it going to look cool?<br /><br />Kirk: Yep! Scotty! Make sure you can have those doors open for us!<br /><br />Scotty: To keep the suspense up, let me reiterate just how small this cargo hatch door is. In fact it's so small I don't actually know how it's handling CARGO. Maybe I should call it "PLOT PURPOSE DOOR" instead. Ok! I am ready to sneak you on board unless I am interrupted by an evil dude.<br /><br />Evil dude: You called?<br /><br />Scotty: Damn it!<br /><br />Khan and Kirk SKYBOMB (or SPACEBOMB) through the debris field towards the EVIL SHIP. The coolness of this action sequence, which would otherwise be the highlight of the film, is somewhat marred when Kirk admits that HE DID THIS IN THE LAST FILM, only with FEWER THINGS hitting his helmet and CRACKING IT. Defying physics, chemistry, and plausibility, Khan and Kirk ARRIVE on the evil ship just as Scotty lets the SPACE VACUUM suck the Evil Dude out. The now CRACKED and USELESS helmets are TOSSED out so that Khan, Kirk, and Scotty can run through the evil ship. Amazingly, the evil ship has NO SYSTEMS to detect RANDOM PEOPLE running through it even though it supposedly has the VERY LATEST in high security.<br /><br />Kirk: I begin to think that just possibly Khan is using us.<br /><br />Spock: I can think of ONLY ONE course of action here!<br /><br />Nimoy Spock: You gotta love that I can collect a paycheck for telling you that a guy who has already BLOWN UP parts of London, ATTACKED Starfleet Command, and KILLED about 20 Klingons in an incident that MAY CAUSE an intergalactic war is, you know, EVIL, and that you felt the need to CONTACT ME BEFORE you could FIGURE THIS OUT.<br /><br />Audience: Yeah, but this bit is kinda awesome. YAY!!!!!<br /><br />Kirk, Khan and Scotty arrive at the BRIDGE of the EVIL SHIP, just in time for Marcus to give another EVIL SPEECH.<br /><br />Marcus: If I'm not in charge, WHO WILL LEAD US IN WAR?<br /><br />Audience: Patrick Stewart!<br /><br />Marcus: This obsession with British accents MUST STOP!<br /><br />Khan: Well, that was nice, but I need to be the center of attention again. This can best be accomplished by my squeezing Marcus's skull TO DEATH.<br /><br />Carol: Finally! A scene that allows me to DO something, even if it's just emoting and screaming and – what, a LENS FLARE is blocking my entire scene here?<br /><br />Khan: I shall WALK OVER your cold corpses to recover my people. Ok, so it's not exactly much of a plan, but you've gotta admire my language and the lovely, lovely accent I'm saying it in.<br /><br />Spock: Ok, then, I'll send over the 72 torpedoes. You send my crew back.<br /><br />Khan: Sounds like a plan. Especially since a CAPTAIN should GO DOWN WITH HIS SHIP. I'm so not foreshadowing any upcoming betrayals or anything.<br /><br />Khan BEAMS Kirk, Scotty and Carol BACK into the brig, which effectively ENDS Carol's participation in this flick, not that the audience can really notice. Spock, meanwhile, has SNEAKILY taken all of the frozen bodies OUT of the torpedoes and turned the torpedoes into something the ultra brilliant tactical genius Khan could never ever expect them to be – TORPEDOES. Things BLOW UP EVERYWHERE. The ALREADY BATTERED ENTERPRISE flails and flails as the gravity GOES OFF AND ON depending upon WHAT THE CAMERA feels like doing at ANY PARTICULAR MOMENT.<br /><br />Kirk: Scotty! We have to save the engines or we'll NEVER get gravity back and our audience will become THOROUGHLY SICK! Ordinarily, since you are the engineer, I'd let you do it, but I need some heroic moments to make up for my past ethical lapses, so I'll just hit you on the head and RUN into the radioactive chamber even though we've had absolutely ZERO indications before this that I have any mechanical abilities whatsoever. Maybe I can just yell warp warp WARP at it.<br /><br />Spock: ABANDON SHIP!<br /><br />Sulu: And miss out on either a great death scene OR a great last minute rescue scene? No way.<br /><br />Kirk: Since this is a highly sophisticated, valuable and radioactive warp core drive system, I shall fix it by KICKING IT. <br /><br />THE BATTERED Enterprise SINKS SINKS into the clouds above EARTH and then RISES IN TRIUMPH, fortunately, because Mr. Sulu's seatbelt keeps COMING ON AND OFF. <br /><br />Helms officer: It's a miracle! There we were, almost dying 200,000 kilometers from Earth, and now, here we are, orbiting Earth in almost perfect if battered safety. Let's hope no one focuses too hard on the cosmology of the solar system.<br /><br />Scotty: Mr. Spock! I am summoning you to Engineering using dialogue stolen from a previous Star Trek film to get you to understand JUST HOW IMPORTANT this is. RUN RUN!<br /><br />Spock RUNS AND RUNS, accompanied by LOTS AND LOTS of LENS FLARES to ENCOURAGE THE EYES of the audience TO FILL WITH TEARS.<br /><br />Spock: Kirk! Kirk! YOU'RE DEAD!<br /><br />Audience: Nah.<br /><br />Spock: Let me holler KHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN! just to emphasize Kirk's deadness! <br /><br />Audience: Still not buying it.<br /><br />Spock: KKKKKKKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!<br /><br />Audience: Although we are reminded of a better film.<br /><br />Helpful former <em>Star Trek</em> writers: We followed <em>our</em> death scene up with some bagpipes. That's always sad.<br /><br />Spock: I don't have TIME for bagpipes! Khan is crashing into San Francisco! Time for scenes of mass destruction and an aerial chase.<br /><br />Stunned crew members: Wait, how did Khan get his EXPLODED and VERY DAMAGED SHIP from Jupiter to Earth? For that matter, how did WE get our exploded and very damaged ship from Jupiter to Earth? You'd think a group of outer space explorers would know where Jupiter is.<br /><br />Spock: NEVER MIND THAT! AFTER HIM! ANGRY VULCANS DO NOT WORRY ABOUT GEOGRAPHY.<br /><br />Sulu: Khan couldn't possibly have survived that!<br /><br />Spock: He's a superpowered villain, and we still haven't had our final chase or my surrender to my not particularly well hidden stores of anger yet!<br /><br />Bones: That's all very exciting, but, really, I think I should just stare sadly at Kirk's body for a bit rather than helping to catch the villain or, you know, repair the ship. Wait! Tribble!<br /><br />Unconcerned with the HEALING POWERS of TRIBBLES, Spock BEAMS down to San Francisco to chase and chase and chase Khan on various things that are flying around and around. It is not going well until UHURA SHOWS UP and SHOOTS KHAN. Not content with this, Spock hits Khan over and over in a KINDA KINKY kinda way.<br /><br />Uhura: STOP! Spock! We need him ALIVE so we can SAVE CAPTAIN KIRK.<br /><br />Surprisingly enough, the scientific Spock does not QUESTION THIS, even the film has ALREADY ESTABLISHED that the Enterprise has 72 other Khans just lying around who could ALSO be used to SAVE CAPTAIN KIRK and that the entire procedure is PRETTY MEDICALLY AND GENETICALLY questionable anyway. Spock hits Khan one more time.<br /><br />Kirk: Flashback moments! Hi everyone! Spock! You saved my life!<br /><br />Bones: So glad you noticed that Uhura and I contributed to the film.<br /><br />Starfleet Command: Well, Kirk, in the last few years you've been involved in breaking the Prime Directive, almost starting a war with the Klingon Empire, destroying an extremely advanced and very expensive new starship, kicking a valuable warp core drive, getting about half your crew killed, not checking to see if the bad guy was really dead and thus allowing him to destroy a large section of San Francisco, and failing to understand basic volcanic mechanisms. What shall we do with you? I know! We'll send you out into deep space to terrorize new life and new civilizations!<br /><br />Old Star Trek fans: Sniffle.<br /><br />New Star Trek fans: YAY! More civilizations to blow up!<br /><br />Producers: And that, my friends, is our anti-American intervention message.<br /><br /><br />I've been informed that Federation starships did land on planets in <em>Voyager</em>, but frankly I remember very little of that series.<br /><br /><strong>Edit:</strong> Two people have pointed out that the proper title of this post should be Star Trek: Into Snarkness. So I have changed it.<a name='cutid1-end'></a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1137372 2013-05-17T12:46:49Z 2013-05-17T21:59:04Z As I've previously noted, <em>Donkey-Skin</em> is not exactly high on the list of anyone's favorite fairy-tales. Part of the problem is that it repeats elements of other fairy tales -- notably East o'the Sun, West o'the Moon -- but also Goose Girl and Cinderella. The larger problem is its initial subject matter: incest, an element that got the story kicked out of fairy tale books for young and old alike.<br /><br />I'm not fond of it myself. So, naturally, I did what I do with so many other fairy tales: <a href="http://dailysciencefiction.com/fantasy/fairy-tales/mari-ness/the-princess-and-her-tale">I did a little something with it.</a> "The Princess and Her Tale" was sent out to <em>Daily Science Fiction</em> subscribers last week and is now up on the web. Enjoy!<br /><br />(And consider subscribing -- they'll be offering another little tale from me in the indefinite future.) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1136673 2013-05-15T00:20:42Z 2013-05-15T00:20:42Z Over at Tor.com, I chat about <a href="http://www.tor.com/blogs/2013/05/restraining-social-activism-arabella">Georgette Heyer's Arabella</a>, a book that used to be one of my favorites and now...really not so much. More details in that post. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1136491 2013-05-14T03:16:43Z 2013-05-14T03:16:43Z Game of Thrones, Episode 7<br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a><br /><br />1. My father, on Brienne: "They shouldn't put her in that dress! What was the wardrobe department thinking? She's a warrior! They should keep her in armor! And then she should go and kill that little king guy! Why hasn't she killed him yet? I don't get the girl with the red hair!"<br /><br />"Sansa? Melisandre?"<br /><br />"Either of them! I don't get them. You know, I went to Wikipedia and this show has 250 characters! 250! 250! I left the Wikipedia. Maybe the dragons will eat more of the characters."<br /><br />2. The TV very narrowly avoided complete destruction during the scene between Joffrey and Tywin, specifically in the bit where Joffrey whines that he shouldn't have to go up stairs, and then only because my brother remembered at the last minute that it was an expensive TV and thus worth more than Joffrey. <br /><br />On a related note, Joffrey isn't dead.<br /><br />Great scene, though.<br /><br />3. I'm amused that the sociopathic, isolated Joffrey actually has a better grasp of the potential danger of Dany than the usually foresighted Tywin Lannister does. And good point about the potential size of this generation of dragons.<br /><br />4. Speaking of dragons, aww, the widdle dragons are gwowwing up. Aww, the widdle dragons are now catching little pieces of meat during important negotiations that could affect the lives of 200,000 people not to mention prevent a war (or start one, if HBO decides to hurry things up because the show costs too much and just start ferrying Dany and the Gang over to Westeros). Awww, the little dragon wants his gold. Awww, the little dragon is so so cute when it cuddles against Dany.<br /><br />5. The sentiments in that last paragraph were not universally shared, although one viewer did point out, rather unfairly I think, that the dragons were more useful than the cats who own me.<br /><br />6. Sansa: I'm such a stupid, stupid girl. My brother: Finally, she says something I agree with. Me: Awww. Sansa: Did you mother teach you that? Me: Ok, you two <em>might</em> just have a point. On a related note, were those glances from Natalie Dormer meant to suggest that Margaery might be pragmatic enough to sleep with men but most definitely prefers pretty girls?<br /><br />7. I don't mean to sound skeptical here, but did Talisa look even remotely pregnant to anyone else? I mean, I guess we're meant to think that she's VERY early along and it's not that women show that quickly, but she looks really thin, is all I'm saying. I'm also kinda dubious that she was really writing her mother – I mean, as they keep saying, it's the middle of a war and I'm thinking what with transportation difficulties in the Riverlands the regular mail service isn't doing that well. I guess she can attach it to a raven and then ask someone in King's Landing or more likely Dorne to get it over to Essos? I'm overthinking this here.<br /><br />8. Probably not overthinking the Theon issues.<br /><br />Look, show, I get it. We all wanted to see Theon suffer after the crap he pulled, and yes, some of us know that this is from the book. So, you know, I get why you are showing it, HBO, a sorta, well, you <em>said</em> you wanted to see it. I also get from a technical/pragmatic perspective that you have contract concerns with the actor and that letting him off for a couple of seasons would present problems. And I guess yay for answering the question of whether or not Theon was castrated or not (although I suppose Ramsey like the camera might have stopped at the actual castration, figuring the psychological hell of that was enough, and it's still possible that book Theon wasn't castrated even if show Theon was. I think I have already devoted more time to this than it deserves.)<br /><br />But if I may, the problem isn't just that this feels like torture porn (this week, with the threesome, absolutely torture porn) but that the amount of time spent on it is taking away from other characters and plot points. Specifically in this episode:<br /><br />1) No reaction from the brothel that Ros supervised. Are they asking questions? Too afraid to ask questions? Has another whore been selected for our sex info dump scenes?<br /><br />2) Catelyn managing to say about two sentences before getting kicked out of the tent. No reaction shots or meetings with any of the other nobles or fighters with Robb.<br /><br />This one is actually kinda important, because fairly soon (in two episodes, based on the episode title), <em>most of these characters are going to be dead</em>, and for that scene to have to have its full emotional impact, <em>we need to see more of them.</em> It wouldn't take much – just Robb walking around in the wet, wet rain, getting told by some Manderly or other that they are looking forward to having a bloody great time at the wedding, ha, ha, ha. Or something on the idea that the Karstarks may have no honor, but the Flints do, and everyone is still searching for your brothers but no word yet. Maybe some jokes about stew. <br /><br />As it is, assuming that the show keeps Edmure and the Blackfish alive, that means that a grand total of three people that we know from the show will die at the Red Wedding. And if Talisa isn't killed – Jeyne Westerling in the books is still alive, so I'd give this a 50-50 chance – that's a total of two people, one of whom is about to resurrected at the end of the season. <br /><br />And show-Robb, instead of doing the "honorable" thing and marrying the girl he deflowered in a moment of emotional trauma and physical pain, said, "I don't want to marry the Frey girl. I want to marry some healer from Volantis."<br /><br />It's not just that the show hasn't really shown us just why this would be such an insult – although that lapse right there might be enough to make the Red Wedding more shocking for non-book readers. (Since even my father who still hasn't figured out who Robb is thinks Robb is doomed, I'm thinking it won't be that much of a shock, but...yeah.) It's that these omissions may end up robbing the scene of its tragedy.<br /><br />3) MORE BEAR! I mean, HBO, you went to the effort of hiring a Real Live Bear! PLAY UP THE MOMENT! That was hands down the best scene in the episode and could have used another 30 seconds of Real Live Bear!<br /><br />4) Failing all that, a scene between Cersei and Loras as they face their betrothal would have been fun. A moment between Varys and Pycelle chattering about Littlefinger and Tywin might have been fun. A moment between Yara and Balon Greyjoy might have been useful to remind us who they are. (And that Balon is alive. Admittedly his death was kinda an offscreen afterthought in the books, so not really surprising to see that continued here, but, still.) Introducing Victarion and mentioning Euron, assuming HBO is going there (and with Ramsey I feel they will be) would be useful. For that matter, although I don't know if the actor was cast yet, Hi, Red Viper. Why haven't you shown up yet? <br /><br />Any of these would have been more narratively useful than about two minutes of a really squeamish threesome followed by a unfinished castration. Especially since this storyline seems to be happening in its own little narrative. Yes, I realize that the retainers there are wearing Bolton symbols but I think this is probably lost on most non-book readers. Sigh.<br /><br />9. On the bright side, did I mention the Real Live Bear!!!! BEAR! Bear bear.<br /><br />I could bear so much more of the torture if I had more Bear. (Sorry, but let's face it, you all knew that pun was coming.)<a name='cutid1-end'></a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1136234 2013-05-12T21:57:41Z 2013-05-12T21:57:41Z Just in case you missed it elsewhere: <br /><br /><lj-embed id="111" /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1136017 2013-05-12T12:43:39Z 2013-05-12T12:43:39Z Results for yesterday's oystering trip to the Mosquito Lagoon:<br /><br />1. Number of living oysters over three inches the finding of which was the main point of the trip: 0.<br /><br />2. Number of empty oyster shells: Enough to start forming their own small barrier island.<br /><br />3. Number of hermit crabs who had happily stolen someone else's shell and were now trotting off with it: 2.<br /><br />4. Number of mullet splashing "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME I SHINE SO MUCH IN THE SUN"" Eye-watering.<br /><br />5. Number of dolphins spotted: two.<br /><br />6. Number of dolphins who were just happily splashing away and minding their own business until a speedboat showed up: Also, not by coincidence, two.<br /><br />7. Number of boats at what is reportedly a not particularly boat dock in the middle of nowhere on the Mosquito Lagoon: Lots and lots and lots.<br /><br />8. Number of manatees: 24 (approximately; also the two I spotted when we returned might have been among the same ones we spotted initially going out)<br /><br />9. Number of pelicans: 0 (That was surprising.)<br /><br />10. Number of sting rays: 1<br /><br />11. Number of boats saying, "What, US pay attention to Manatee Idle Speed No Wake signs? Are you kidding me? It's called a SPEEDBOAT for a REASON!": 1<br /><br />12. Number of kayakers forced to follow Manatee Idle Speed No Wake signs by default: 18<br /><br />13. Number of dogs unable for a moment to figure out what boat exactly they are supposed to be getting on because PEOPLE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE and LOOK THAT BOAT IS ALSO AWESOME and I LOVE EVERYBDOY WOW THIS DAY IS THE BESTEST DAY EVER: 1<br /><br />14. Number of teenagers who never learned how to swim complaining that the lifejacket a parent was ordering to be put on was "butt ugly": 1.<br /><br />(I wore one too since we were in a motorized canoe, but apparently my example wasn't very inspiring.)<br /><br />15. Number of times I was unable to identify a particular fish: This is humiliating. Let's not go there.<br /><br />(Though, alas, we did not actually see that many fish, even with the occasional mullet leaping into the air, which is moderately odd since we were not that far off from the enforced no-take zone at Cape Canaveral. Then again the water wasn't always that clear.)<br /><br />16. Number of seals spotted on a previous trip when no one who particularly cared about seals was anywhere around: "Large group."<br /><br />17. Number of seals spotted on this trip when someone who loves seals (me!) was around: Exactly 0.<br /><br />18. Number of herons flying softly over the water: Just enough to justify every moment of the trip, whatever happened with the oysters.<br /><br />I haven't had a chance to look at the pictures I attempted to take yet, but if any came out I'll post them up here. (Don't count on manatee pictures; both the camera and the manatees were not cooperating at all.) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1135509 2013-05-09T21:45:40Z 2013-05-09T21:45:40Z Over at Tor.com, I <a href="http://www.tor.com/blogs/2013/05/celebrating-girl-power-matilda">chat about Matilda, the film based on Roald Dahl's novel.</a> Seems that the commentators so far liked the film more than I did. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1135318 2013-05-07T22:23:53Z 2013-05-07T22:23:53Z I had some minor surgery yesterday morning which has left me pretty wiped. But before that, I took some general notes on the episode, which I forgot to post, so here you go:<br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a><br /><br />1. Was it my imagination, or did we – gasp, gasp – get a hint at a bit of future plot in Melisandre's dramatic "WE SHALL MEET AGAIN" bit with Arya? Given that Arya's working for the Many Faced God and Melisandre's working for the Lord of Light I don't see this as an overly friendly meeting, but given the comment I do see it happening in a later book.<br /><br />2. Speaking of which, dropping the obvious seductress aspect of Melisandre has managed to make her both hotter and somewhat more compelling to watch. I still don't think the actress is getting her – mostly because I'm not getting "absolute fanatic" from her performance, which comes across more clearly in the books – but she's less annoying to watch this season.<br /><br />3. Speaking of annoying, the Theon torture porn is not getting any easier to watch, HBO. While I'm complaining, a friend who hasn't read the books is completely confused by the entire Theon storyline and also wants to know if anything is going to happen beyond Theon just hanging there and getting tortured. THIS IS A HINT, HBO.<br /><br />4. Speaking of hanging bodies – auugh, Ros! I didn't even like the character, but I do find it kinda sad that she was killed right after she found something to do other than take off her clothes, and right after she warned Shae to watch over Sansa (not that Shae seems able to do much.)<br /><br />The kinda horrible touch that Joffrey shot Ros in the same places where Arya shot the straw dude – Erk. Between that and Melisandre's hints I think Our Little Assassin is going to be very fond of arrows.<br /><br />5. Speaking of arrows...no, I got nothing.<br /><br />6. The whole "Edmure must marry a Frey girl" turns out to be even more irritating on the show than it was in the books. At least the books gave a sense that Robb slept with Jeyne in a very bad moment when he was wounded AND grieving his young brothers AND feeling rage against Theon, and felt that he was honor bound to make it up to Jeyne, even as other characters bluntly and correctly note that it would have been kinder, long term, to everyone, for Robb to just skedaddle and leave her pregnant.<br /><br />(I've speculated on this before, but my guess is that it was only partly honor, and more Robb's friendship with Jon (whatever the actual blood relationship), that caused Robb to decide to marry Jeyne – he'd seen what having a bastard could do to family ties, not to mention the number it did on the bastard, and he didn't want a repeat of that. But...I digress.)<br /><br />Here it's, well, Edmure, you owe me for screwing up the war even though I kinda <em>failed to tell you my strategy</em> so you had no reason to follow it, so, to make up for that, I'm asking you to make up for the considerably worse screw-ups of me (marrying for love instead of the woman I'm betrothed to) and my mother (releasing Jaime Lannister, even less understandable in the show since she hasn't heard that her sons are dead) by marrying a 19 year old stranger. Geesh.<br /><br />I mean, yay for Robb agreeing that this is unfair, and I realize that plenty of people (hi, Sansa!) are about to enter into far worse marriages (if safer weddings, ahem). and life in Westeros generally sucks, but, grr.<br /><br />7. JAIME AND BRIENNE TOGETHER 4EVER YAY! Martin, you're going to break my heart over this one, aren't you?<br /><br />I must say that this is coming across even stronger on screen than it did in the books.<a name='cutid1-end'></a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1134491 2013-04-30T03:58:11Z 2013-04-30T11:53:34Z <a name="cutid1"></a><br /><br />1. My brother would like to object to the "weird music" that comes on during the closing credits, and I'm going to cosign on this one. I know HBO wants to sell an all new album for this season and given the repetition of most of the themes of the show (the opening credits bit, the NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF TERRORS theme and so on) I don't know how much new music they have to sell, but the musical choices usually have absolutely <em>no</em> thematic connection to whatever was just shown.<br /> <br />This last episode, for instance, ended on a nicely dramatic/cliffhanging note with Charles Dance ordering his screw-up children to accept reality and get their lives together by going into absolutely dreadful marriages. And then immediately followed this brutally realistic moment with a spooky weird song about things under the sea that belonged to another scene. Whiplash.<br /><br />2. Also, Joffrey isn't dead yet. I realize that's about as repetitive as the theme for the opening credits, but it's still true.<br /><br />3. My father, meanwhile, had a host of other complaints, including, why aren't we seeing more of Julius Caesar? And what is Julius Caesar doing in the north with a bunch of crazy people? <br /><br />4. Unhealed stumps of hands, dead babies in jars, the thought of poor Loras having to share a bed with Cersei – yes, I think we can easily list this as one of the most horrifying episodes of the show yet.<br /><br />5. Nice introduction of greyscale in the show, though I think some explanations will be needed; most of the people who haven't read the books seem to be assuming that Shireen is part dragon. Or burned by dragons.<br /><br />6. And now let's talk about the show's major deviation from the plot of the books. No, not Cersei married off to Loras instead of Willas Tyrell; given the huge number of characters on the show I'm just as happy to eliminate one who still hasn't appeared in the books. <br /><br />I'm talking about the whole "I'm going to go recruit Walder Frey so I can go attack Casterly Rock!"<br /><br />Ok, I admit, as plans go, attacking Casterly Rock is not a bad one, exactly, except for the small problem that to do this, they all have to march UP to the Twins and then march back DOWN and then over to Casterly Rock and I think Robb's belief that Casterly Rock will be mostly unguarded is just a shade unrealistic. Just because <em>you</em> marched off and left Winterfell mostly unguarded and in the control of a maester doesn't mean that Tywin would.<br /><br />However, that's a quibble. The main problem with this plot line, and it's been coming ever since they switched the motivation for Robb's marriage, is that it ignores exactly why the Red Wedding happened:<br /><br />Honor.<br /><br />Specifically, Robb's mistaken sense of honor that he had to marry Jeyne, followed by everyone's mistaken sense of honor that the Freys had to be placated with a high member of the nobility.<br /><br />If the overall series has a theme so far, it's this: honor can get you into serious trouble. (Is anyone surprised that this is coming from a former Hollywood screenwriter with bitter experience with the U.S. publishing industry? I didn't think so. Moving on.) This episode even made the same point: Jaime Lannister's honorable decision to destroy the mad king before thousands of people were burned alive ended up destroying his reputation and earning him a lifetime of contemptuous glances. Robb's somewhat less honorable but at least legal decision to put Lord Karstark to death for murdering two boys cost him a significant part of his army.<br /><br />And it's honor that led Robb to the Red Wedding and to death. <br /><br />That's been changed now, completely. Now, rather than trying to make up for insulting the Freys, Robb and Edmure are trying to get an army to march on Casterly Rock? Leaving aside the whole insult thing, why on EARTH would Walder Frey agree to this? The Lannisters are winning.<br /><br />The show also massively weakened the "Robb's only choice is to humble himself in front of Lord Frey" by having Talisa point out his other choices – including the most obvious one: go home to Winterfell. Incidentally, given that supposedly she was all anti-war, why isn't she responding to Robb's "My bannermen won't follow me again if we go home" with a resounding "GOOD!"<br /><br />I still think that the Red Wedding will be shocking and gory and emotional and all that; I just think it will have lost much of its thematic resonance.<br /><br />7. I know I already said this, but...dead babies in jars?<a name='cutid1-end'></a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1134313 2013-04-28T13:42:46Z 2013-04-28T13:42:46Z 1. As I mentioned, my mother's birthday was Friday. She likes orchids and, greatly unlike me, can actually keep them alive and make new blooms appear on them (orchids take one look at me, consider the situation, and unanimously agree that death is the better option.) So my brother and I stopped by Lowe's on our way to get her an orchid. <br /><br />And there, on the shelves, was something I'd never seen before: a brilliant, almost <em>glowing</em> blue orchid. Blue is not my mother's favorite color by a long shot, but the orchid was so gorgeous I decided to risk that bit and grab it anyway. I was in a nice mood of self-congratulation until we reached their condo...<br /><br />...where, while waiting for my brother to untangle the balloons, I read the tag and saw that the color had been created by what the tag called a "magical process" and what I call "dye." Any new blossoms will be white. So, for all of my attempt to get my mother a nice unusual orchid I got her a fake one. Oh well. Hopefully the dye won't ruin the plant's push for more flowers.<br /><br />2. Alas, her birthday lunch was distinguished by some of the worst service we'd encountered for awhile -- a full half hour passed before anyone came to ask us for drinks (by which point we said we were just going to order everything at once) and then things went downhill from there. <br /><br />Lesson learned: even an unexpected extra half hour waiting for food is not enough time to explain to my father everything that's going on in <em>Game of Thrones</em> and why a certain character on that show isn't dead yet. ("What's happening? They kill EVERYONE ELSE! Why aren't the dragons burning him up? THIS IS A VERY CONFUSING SHOW." Take note, HBO, take note.) <br /><br />3. Speaking of <em>Game of Thrones</em>, I had the chance to finally play the <em>Game of Thrones</em> board game, and I am amused at how, just like the dynamics in the books, the board game is almost joyfully unbalanced. This does allow players greater opportunities to screw with each other later which again, much like the book.<br /><br />4. The bifocals keep making me dizzy and are giving me flashes of green and blue (it's the combination of bifocals/prisms in the lenses) so I am pretty much using them for computer use and reading only and otherwise using my sunglasses until the new non-bifocal glasses arrive. This in turn has left me rather cranky. And, as the cats firmly and painfully pointed out this morning, with a tendency to forget that the cat food bowl is supposed to be replenished on a regular basis otherwise the CATS WILL WASTE AWAY TO NOTHING and HOW CAN I SLEEP THROUGH THAT POSSIBILITY? Your regular reminder that crankiness can be contagious, though right now, the Grey One is curled up into a small ball, the very picture of contentment. She, of course, doesn't have to wear bifocals. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1133838 2013-04-26T13:08:37Z 2013-04-26T13:08:37Z Happy birthday! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1133650 2013-04-23T17:52:46Z 2013-04-23T17:52:46Z Two bits of news:<br /><br />1. As part of their celebration of National Poetry Month, Tor.com has reprinted <a href="http://www.tor.com/blogs/2013/04/snowmelt">Snowmelt</a>. I still love this poem.<br /><br />2. I've picked up the bifocals. I fear these are not going to work out. What neither the eye doctor nor I considered is that since moving my head can induce dizziness or vertigo, I've been instinctively doing less of that over the past four years, moving my eyes instead -- which with the bifocals induces dizziness and vertigo. You can see the problem. I will keep trying for a few more days, but I fear I'm about to head back and just get the regular prescription and carry reading glasses around.<br /><br />The sunglasses, though, are excellent.<br /><br />In related news I am developing an extremely bad headache, so, later. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1133561 2013-04-23T04:51:47Z 2013-04-23T04:51:47Z This episode will probably be on my Hugo nomination ballot next year. So, with that as an introduction, THE CARPING! (Because it's me.)<br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a><br /><br />1. COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT THE SEVERED HAND, HBO. I must say though seeing Jaime pummeled into the mud is all satisfying and almost kinda makes up for the whole throwing a kid off a tower thing.<br /><br />2. Brienne = COOLEST PERSON ON THE ENTIRE SHOW. Bar none.<br /><br />On a related note, I couldn't help noticing that the real kickass people in this episode were Arya (loved the bit where the Hound and Beric both agreed that she was the bravest person in the room), Brienne and Dany.<br /><br />3. "Why would you risk your life for me?" First intelligent question Theon has asked in the entire series, although I'd expand it to "Why would ANYONE risk their lives for me?"<br /><br />4. Also, ok, I realize that Theon's in gratitude mode, and only book readers would recognize that Theon is making this anguished confession to Ramsey Snow, but, seriously, Theon, ADMITTING at this point that you didn't actually kill Bran and Rickon but just killed two random kids who did nothing to you to save your pride, and admitting this in a "Why don't people LIKE me and APPRECIATE me" sort of way is not doing you any favors.<br /><br />(I do think the actor is doing an excellent job, and Theon is marginally more sympathetic on the show. Marginally.)<br /><br />5. And Diana Riggs proves once again why she was the perfect casting. Varys was also excellent tonight; that scene could have continued far longer.<br /><br />And you know, I almost liked the Ros character and felt she was doing something at last? She's going to die soon now that that miracle has happened, isn't she?<br /><br />6. You know, I expect we were supposed to feel a bit sorry for old Mormont there, but, honestly, and I say this as someone not overly fond of victim blaming, if anyone on this series has seriously deserved what he got, that would be Craster, followed by Mormont. Ok, sure, Mormont, you can go on and on about Craster feeding and sheltering the scouts of the Wall, but even apart from not feeding the men of the Watch decently and the incest, THE GUY HAS BEEN LEAVING HIS BABIES OUT IN THE COLD FOR ZOMBIES TO EAT, and you continued to work with and tolerate the guy, who frankly makes Theon look like Francis of Assisi in comparison. I mean we've all had to work with people we don't like but surely there are limits. I was totally on the side of the guy who killed Craster. Totally.<br /><br />7. I AM TOTALLY BACK ON TEAM DANY NOW. Not that I ever really left, mind you. DRAGONS!<br /><br />Sadly, it will all be downhill from here, at least for awhile, but this episode did demonstrate why: right after that moment, Dany is hands down the best contender for the throne. She has the right of birth (even granting that her ancestors gained Westeros by conquest, Joffrey and Stannis are using the same ancestry for their claim) and she's really the only person of the current five contenders (Joffrey, Stannis, Balon, Robb, Dany) who is actually a) acting like a monarch, b) doing the hero route of rising from begging in the desert to taking over a city, c) doing anything whatsoever to help ordinary people, d) not creating shadow creatures (ok, that's just one of the lot) and so on. <br /><br />But that isn't the story Martin is writing. That's <em>The Belgariad</em> or <em>The Lord of the Rings</em>, or other such tale, where the exiled king/queen returns to the throne after doing great deeds of grandeur and is joyfully accepted by the common people and the nobility alike. Martin is working against this, writing the story where the exiled king/queen returns and everyone mostly says, yeah, so what? Which only works if the <em>readers</em> (and on HBO, the viewers) are given some reason to dislike Dany or see why she would not be welcomed to the throne – or at least easily conquer it with her dragons. Right at the moment, she's been shown rising from her victimization by her brother (sympathy), the death of her husband and child (sympathy), a harsh trip in the desert (sympathy), a rather annoying "my dragons are gone!" (in the show only, fortunately), and now this. It's a march of triumph, and for the show to work at all, it's going to have to be halted. Grr.<a name='cutid1-end'></a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1133239 2013-04-22T13:14:04Z 2013-04-22T13:14:04Z So last week the latest issue of <a href="http://mythicdelirium.com/">Mythic Delirum</a>, containing my poem, "Gleaming," arrived in my mailbox, with its cover of a freaky snowman and an interior of marvelous poems. I've just started dipping into the words and am caught, as always, by the magic.<br /><br />"Gleaming" is the poem that I submitted completely by accident, not even realizing that I'd done so until weeks later. And by "completely by accident" I mean that I was so unaware that it was in the file I submitted that I didn't name it in the title of the file or on my cover letter, learning that I'd sent it along with three other poems (which I did list on the cover letter and in Excel) only weeks later on Twitter. From the editor. Oh well. The perils of copying and pasting and going through about five different combinations of poems to sell.<br /><br />In related news, Mike Allen, the editor, rejected the three poems I so carefully picked out, assuming he would love, and grabbed this one instead. Which says something about my ability to figure out what editors will or won't love.<br /><br />In unrelated to my incompetence news, Mythic Delirium is about to switch from print to ezine form, so you might want to grab one last print issue while you can.<br /><br />I have other thoughts, but I don't seem to be caffeinated enough to express them, so, more blogging later. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1133014 2013-04-20T20:14:52Z 2013-04-20T20:14:52Z <a href="http://shelf-life.ew.com/2013/04/20/e-l-konigsburg-has-died/">Entertainment Weekly is reporting that E.L. Konigsburg has died.</a><br /><br />I haven't gotten around to blogging about Konigsburg over on Tor.com, and probably won't, since strictly speaking she wrote only one speculative fiction novel, <em>Up From Jericho Tel</em>, which is not one of her better known works. But in a way, <em>From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler</em> has certain fantastic elements, or at least wish-fulfillment elements: I still find it just <em>slightly</em> difficult to believe that no one would have noticed two kids happily living in the Metropolitan Museum for a week. And her first novel, <em>Jennifer, Hecate, Macbeth, William McKinley and Me, Elizabeth</em>, is more or less about how to train to be a witch. Kinda.<br /><br />Regardless of plausibility, <em>From the Mixed Up Files</em> was one of my favorite books of all time for years; I begged and begged to go to the Met, and especially to see the fountain. Years later in college I had to laugh when, after a trip to a Cloisters, a friend admitted that she'd never been to the Met; we went, and shortly after stepping inside, the friend said wistfully that would I mind if we headed to the furniture? She had a bed she wanted to see. And to the Egyptian section. It also sparked a nice if temporary interest in Michelangelo for me, and a certain appreciation that art is not just for beauty, or for comfort, or to look at: art is for adventure.<br /><br />Thanks for the books, Ms. Konigsburg. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1132698 2013-04-19T15:47:57Z 2013-04-19T15:47:57Z ...because along with everyone else, I have been following Twitter and Boston feeds. <br /><br />So more on the latest issue of <a href="http://mythicdelirium.com/#current">Mythic Delirium</a>, which includes my poem "Gleaming," and about <a href="http://www.mbennardo.com/blog/2013/03/sixteen-single-sentence-stories/">16 One Sentence Stories</a>, which includes my <em>very</em> little story "For a Mortal's Love," next week, when hopefully we'll all be more able to pay attention. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1132452 2013-04-16T13:54:00Z 2013-04-16T13:54:00Z Another week, another chance for HBO actors to remove clothing and liberally apply fake blood!<br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a><br /><br />1. After watching this episode, my brother has decided that the best ending for the show is for Arya to end up as "Queen of Everything" with Hot Pie as her Official Baker and Pastry Chef. I'm just throwing this out there as an idea, HBO execs and George RR Martin. Just throwing it out there.<br /><br />2. Speaking of endings we were both disappointed that Joffrey isn't dead yet.<br /><br />(Yes, we've both read the books. This does not change our general viewpoint.)<br /><br />3. HBO, if the general idea of showing me Theon tortured, then allowed to escape on a lovely white horse, then almost raped, then saved by some excellent target shooting, was to get me to feel some stirrings of pity, then, congratulations! It worked. I have feelings of pity. For the lovely white horse.<br /><br />(It was not clear in the end but just the people, not the horses, got shot, right? Because that was a very lovely horse and it jumped over things with a nicely flowing tail and tossed its mane in the proper horse tossing mane matter and this sentence is exactly why I don't exactly talk much about horse riding in my fiction.)<br /><br />4. Speaking of Theon – so the guy that "helped" Theon escape and then shot arrows into everyone is Ramsey Bolton-Snow, yes? I vaguely recall a sentence or two in <em>A Dance With Dragons</em> suggesting that Ramsey allowed Theon to escape just to increase the feelings of torture and despair and then removed his toenails, which seems like a Ramsey sort of thing to do. My hopes that this storyline would be eliminated are thus completely dashed.<br /><br />I told a couple of people in March, quite truthfully, that I would be fine if Martin never did end up finishing the series, since this feels less like a series moving forward to some grand confrontation/triumphant conclusion (like most epics) and more like a glimpse into part of the history of this world, where things happened before and will happen after. Much like reading about the War of the Roses. I meant that. But having said that, I sincerely do hope that there is a payoff to Theon's storyline in either books or show. I find Show!Theon slightly less irritating, since the actor has done a decent job of showing how isolated and insecure he is, but still, even beyond the misogyny (carried over into the show), the betrayal, the "why me," the killing of two little kids for his own ego, the ongoing torture bit, the participation in another person's torture, this has been a really unpleasant storyline to plow through, and I want some sort of payoff. What, I don't know. But some.<br /><br />5. On a more cheerful note, hands down best scene of the episode: Musical chairs! Entirely made by the facial reactions and delightful insults and Tyrion's "Far be it for me to interfere with the course of true love..." Season Four series finale, I am much looking forward to you.<br /><br />6. Ok, this week's HBO's Quota of Unnecessary Nudity and Lots of Breasts did at least lead to a joke, and I'm all for naked bodies, especially naked bodies, or, in this case, almost naked bodies that can bed like that, and the three women had clearly worked hard to get figures like that so we should all celebrate and enjoy this, but...HBO, this would feel <em>slightly</em> less exploitive if you also included more male nudity. No less completely gratuitous, but slightly less exploitive.<br /><br />7. What's odd is that combined with this were three separate scenes showing the real horror of rape – and kudos to the show for showing that yes, this happens to men too. The bit where Jaime tries to advise Brienne about rape, and her terror as she's dragged off, and her fury and humiliation when she's returned....Agonizing and well done.<br /><br />8. I was NOT expecting Jaime's hand to get cut off in this episode but as soon as they called for a knife I squeaked and had to grab a cat. And it's a good thing I was holding the cat because I needed SOMETHING to help me through the horror, and by horror, I mean the jarring, punk version of The Bear and the Maiden Fair that played over the credits. What was that?<br /><br />Also, how is a hand severed off with so little blood spurting everywhere? I mean, this was the same episode that showed us multiple crucified people, so...er? I have nothing.<br /><br />9. I say nothing, Jon Snow, because oh you are boring. Which is slightly better than emo, but, boring. Then again you look very very cold and I grant that it is hard to match the interest level of people who insist on putting their corpses into weird spiral shapes.<br /><br />10. WARNING MASSIVE CLASSICAL MISQUOTE AHEAD for <em>Rome</em> fans only: Though, now that I think about it, how cool would it be for Edmure and Mance to meet in the show and for Mance to grin wildly at Edmure, plunge a dagger into him and say, Et tu Riverlord? RIVERUN DELENDA EST. Revenge!<br /><br />More seriously, what are the chances that HBO went with that casting because Martin knows Edmure and Mance are meeting up later? Strong? Slim? Nonexistent? In actual fact a Jane Austen reference suggesting that everyone is about to be very very polite and not remove any clothing whatsoever—no, I forgot what show I'm talking about. <br /><br />11. Ugh, Craster. Ugh. Nothing more to say here really, but, ugh.<a name='cutid1-end'></a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1132141 2013-04-10T14:10:04Z 2013-04-10T14:10:04Z So yesterday I managed to pull myself out and down to the eye doctor/glasses store. It was a bit iffy since I wasn't feeling great, but I've been putting off going to the eye doctor for about...oh, a year now, and in another few weeks I won't be able to go without assistance or pick up my new glasses. So I off I went.<br /><br />Unfortunately, when I'm tired, my double vision gets considerably worse, so, one eye exam and various flipping lenses and one eye measurement later my eyes were constantly watering and I had a hellish headache, bad enough that lunch did not stay down afterwards. Grr. The test also confirmed what I have been figuring for a few months now -- it's time for bifocals. Grumble. It's not bad yet, but I feel all old. (And now you know why I was avoiding the eye doctor.)<br /><br />This, plus the dizziness/vertigo, the trike and the double vision also means a) no progressive lenses (those can induce/worsen dizziness) and b) I'll be using two pairs of glasses -- one pair of bifocals for normal use when I'm in the wheelchair/most times on the scooter, and a pair of non-bifocal sunglasses to use with the trike/some times on the scooter.<br /><br />Anyway, on good news, I don't have glaucoma, just increased blurriness in my left eye, I don't have cataracts, and I will have red sunglasses. So, mixed yay? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1131920 2013-04-09T22:19:58Z 2013-04-09T22:19:58Z Feeling hideous at the moment, but wanted to note that <a href="http://www.tor.com/blogs/2013/04/the-reluctant-widow-georgette-heyer">my post on Georgette Heyer's The Reluctant Widow</a> just popped up at Tor.com and is already generating some cheery discussion. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1131709 2013-04-09T01:31:08Z 2013-04-09T01:31:08Z Show, I almost wish you'd bring back the nudity!<br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a><br /><br />1. You know, one of the best things about <em>Storm of Swords</em> was that it was an entire book without Theon in it. At all. Seriously awesome.<br /><br />I like Show!Theon better than Book!Theon but not THAT much, and I am not getting as much pleasure out of watching him get tortured as I should. Mostly because, a AUUGH THAT WAS SERIOUSLY REVOLTING and b I don't like Theon. I was so hoping we'd be spared this for a couple more seasons :(<br /><br />On a related note I guess this means we can expect other stuff from <em>A Dance With Dragons</em> to pop in as well?<br /><br />2. As expected, Diana Rigg turns out to be epic as the Queen of Thorns.<br /><br />3. I rather feel that Catelyn's whole confession that everything that happened since is because she couldn't love a motherless child is a) wrong, and b) thrown in for fans of the book who wanted Catelyn to realize that yes, yes, she SHOULD have been a better mother to both Jon and Theon. (To repeat, I don't like Theon, but his memories, combined with Jon's, suggest that Catelyn was really pretty awful to both of them.)<br /><br />However, Catelyn, everything that's happened since did not happen because you couldn't love a motherless child. It happened because<br /><br />- Eddard Stark agreed to be the Hand of the King, leave Winterfell even though Winter Was Coming as we keep hearing and hearing, either at your insistence (book) or because you didn't persuade him not to (show)<br />- You thought arresting Tyrion Lannister and bringing him to your nutty sister was a brilliant idea.<br />- You failed to tell Sansa to be on her guard in King's Landing.<br />- Joffrey thought killing Bran was a good idea.<br />- Joffrey thought killing Ned Stark was a good idea.<br /><br />I'm not saying that Catelyn's attitude towards Jon helped any of this, or that it was a good thing, just that in the long, long list of Things Catelyn Did Wrong, that's not the only thing she should be feeling guilty over.<br /><br />Though it was a pretty good scene, so, rock on, Show.<br /><br />4. I have to say, out of everyone on this show, I think my greatest pity is reserved for the actors and crew doing the Iceland stuff. This looks cold. And miserable. And cold. And if it isn't actually cold, and miserable, and cold, kudos to the crew for giving it that look.<br /><br />5. I had to crack up when Gendry yelled at Arya for not giving other names to Jaqen. In the book, of course, Arya's a little younger and considerably more traumatized and we hear her point of view, which clarifies why she doesn't name more critical people – and her regret when she realizes that she didn't. In the show, despite an attempt to suggest that she was trying to spy on Tywin Lannister for her brother, the failure to name Joffrey when pretty much EVERYONE is eagerly but eagerly waiting for the death of Joffrey was like AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!<br /><br />6. Speaking of Joffrey, you keep thinking he can't get any worse, and then, he insults the tailor putting him in such lovely lovely clothing which is the only thing giving him any air of kingship whatsoever. I mean, really. I give him a slight pass on the "kill all the gays" thing since let's face it having the generally good guys be pro gay or indifferent gay while the currently hands down most evil character on the show (since we're only just getting to know and loathe the Boltons) is anti-gay is not really a bad message.<br /><br />Also speaking of Joffrey, SOME PEOPLE in this household actually said kindly things about his comment on intelligent women, solely to annoy me, which means that I missed bits of dialogue. We are however still unified on Joffrey needs to die now.<br /><br />7. BRIENNE N' JAIME 4EVER! Surrounded by little red hearts! Seriously I think this is the first couple on the show I am entirely rooting for, even with the awareness that Martin is not exactly renowned for writing Fluffy and Happy Romantic Endings and that these two are in for a lot of hell in the upcoming seasons. But for now let me dream, k?<a name='cutid1-end'></a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1131423 2013-04-04T20:23:56Z 2013-04-04T20:23:56Z It's not an understatement to say that Roger Ebert taught me to watch movies.<br /><br />Oh, sure, I'd <em>seen</em> movies. I loved movies. But Ebert, in his various passionate film reviews, showed me what to look for. He could often be wrong about films. He was more often right, and it was thanks to him that I discovered so many beautiful, wonderful moments on film. I collected the books of his film reviews and read them and worked on narrative and found movies to look for.<br /><br />I hope wherever you are, Mr. Ebert, you can still enjoy a big bucket of popcorn, a Coke, and movies in the company of friends. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1131058 2013-04-04T14:33:38Z 2013-04-04T14:33:38Z Just realized that I failed to post my general thoughts on this. Gulp!<br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a><br /><br />1. Good to see Julius Caesar back as King Over the Wall. Less good to see his terrible wig.<br /><br />2. Speaking of terrible wigs, is it just me, or are the wigs they are putting on Dany getting worse and worse each season?<br /><br />3. On the other hand, I can see that we are all going to be craving Margaery's wardrobe even as many of us keep craving for her to wear less of it. (Which, since this is This Show, will doubtless be happening next episode.)<br /><br />4. So having gotten me to almost sorta kinda like Tywin last season (with his Arya interactions) the show has kindly allowed me to go back to hating him. Thanks, show! On a related note, the scene between him and Tyrion was nicely cold.<br /><br />5. Another episode, another moment of Joffrey being an absolute coward as a "mere girl" (Joffrey's impression, not mine) has the courage (gasp gasp) to go and talk to poor people (gasp gasp gasp), followed by another moment of Joffrey being an absolute jerk to his mother. I mean, ok, I'm not overly sympathetic, but still.<br /><br />Which leads to a major problem: I'm really not sure how long the show <em>can</em> keep Joffrey alive without alienating viewers, especially if they follow the timeline of <em>Storm of Swords</em>, which kills off several "good" (well, comparatively) characters first. The actor playing Joffrey is doing a superb job, no question, but he's if possible even more loathsome on screen than he is in the book, and I'm finding myself joining everyone in calling for his death. So, how long can HBO stretch this out?<br /><br />6. Melisandre is still not working for me on screen. I don't know if it's that they are trying to play her "exotic" in a show that already has <em>dragons</em> and giants and weird bugs jumping out of sphere things to bite people, or her line readings, or what, but even after birthing the shadow babies, she's just not coming off as terrifying or competent or fanatical. Which in turn means that I didn't believe one word of her speech about how she could have stopped the wildfire or at least halted the damage -- and the thing is, I should have. It made sense. <br /><br />And that's a problem: in the books she manages to come off as all three. And in the books she clearly thinks of herself as kindly and well intentioned (even if no one sees her as kindly and well intentioned.) Here, she's coming across as someone who knows she's being cruel. It's just wrong.<br /><br />7. However, DRAGONS! I particularly liked the shot where the dragon was skimming under the water and the way the dragon has figured out how to crisp his own little fish to the proper temperature. Yum, dragon, yum. Yay dragons. <br /><br />Here's to another season!<a name='cutid1-end'></a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1130376 2013-04-02T23:27:42Z 2013-04-02T23:27:42Z Dear Gmail's New Compose,<br /><br />You suck.<br /><br />- Me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mariness:1130054 2013-04-01T13:56:32Z 2013-04-01T13:56:32Z Saturday I decided it was high time to rejoin the human race, so I took my little scooter over to the farmer's market, quite forgetting that we were supposed to head down to my mother's. Whoops! <br /><br />I have mixed feelings about the whole going by mobility scooter thing. I used to take the trike, but that requires using the cane once I arrive, and the farmer's market is filled with small excited children looking for clowns, camels, and ice cream and not me; I've been knocked down a couple of times. So I thought the scooter would work. And it does, sorta, but I still find using the thing outside of theme parks highly irritating -- not to mention it's kinda terrifying to cross busy streets with it. It's low to the ground, and I know drivers can't always see me in it, and for safety reasons it can only go so fast. I really wish it had a way to go just a little faster when crossing busy streets. Oh well. Not to mention that my feet swell up after a mere hour on that thing. Grr.<br /><br />But I did do fairly well at the farmer's market, since local oranges, cucumbers and tomatoes were all on sale. The prices may quite possibly mean that I overdid it on cucumbers; I don't like oranges, so I restrained myself there, but cucumbers are awesome, so, no restraint. Local honey was not at all on sale, but it was there so, er, local honey. Also a mango cheddar which, yes, I shouldn't be eating at all, but, mango cheddar. What can I say?<br /><br />Hopes that the trip would shake cobwebs from my head were alas overly optimistic. I came home feeling completely drained, a feeling that persisted and worsened on Sunday, when my body suddenly decided it had had enough. I wasn't dizzy - a nice change - just completely wiped, so I spent much of the day sleeping, looking outside to not see hummingbirds (they've been coming to our feeders, but never when I'm looking) sleeping, comforting a cat, sleeping again. I still feel drained this morning, if at least a little more capable of finishing sentences.<br /><br />In mostly unrelated news my brother put up a second set of bird feeders and a birdbath near the dinette window. This has delighted a number of creatures, including the two cardinals who appear to have taken up permanent residence in the yard, some house wrens, one very happy cat (the window has a sill that is about the perfect size, if you are a cat), and, of course, one squirrel. The arrangement was not precisely ideal at first, since the birdbath was located within perfect jumping distance of the feeder for the squirrel, who would see either me or the cat and leap happily over to the birdbath, scattering water everywhere. This has been changed, forcing the squirrel to either leap down to the ground or climb down a pole, burning off some of the calories gained from the sunflower seeds. I've yet to see anything other than the squirrel using the birdbath, but summer is coming. We shall see.