Mari Ness - So I woke up this morning and started thinking...

Just how does Professor Xavier manage to keep the School of Gifted Youngsters in good standing with the New England Association of Colleges and Schools?

Which naturally led to this:

The New England Association of Colleges and Schools Reviews the Application for Renewal of Accreditation from Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters

Dear Professor Xavier,

We have read with interest your application for renewal of accreditation, and have taken the opportunity to do a thorough audit of the documentation, blueprints, weaponry, and other testimony offered by your school. Regrettably, a preliminary review has already found the following concerns:

1) The peer review process: As you are aware, accreditation relies on a voluntary, peer review process. While we appreciate your statement that your school could perhaps best be reviewed by an organization such as the Avengers or the Fantastic Four, we are not aware that either organization holds any special expertise in the field of education, and while we found Dr. Richards' scientific background impressive indeed, we can perceive no evidence that he has stretched himself into a doctorate in education. Indeed, our review of his methodology has led one member to suggest that Dr. Richards should perhaps be reported for shocking child neglect regarding his son, Franklin Richards, but we digress. You may wish instead to contact any of Connecticut's many outstanding Schools of Education, who can provide you with experts in special needs education. We feel that these will be of more use in the accreditation process than anyone who regularly yells, "Flame on!"

2) Financing: As you are doubtless aware, all schools seeking reaccreditation must provide a detailed and audited accounting of their finances, reserves, tuition and capital costs. A "really large trust fund from my grandparents," while fortunate for you personally, does not constitute financial proof of your school's financial footing. Also, we remain concerned about the listing of capital costs for expenditures such as bimonthly roof replacements, a seemingly excessive amount of firefighting equipment, and a stealth missile system. We understand that the recent spate of school shootings has distressed everyone; still, shouldn't a simple security team be sufficient? We must also query about the nature of some items listed under "staff expenses." We are not, for example, entirely certain that your instructors and staff actually need access to their own private plane, especially one equipped with – and we quote from your annual budget – "cool stuff." We are also uncertain as to the nature of the "Shi'ar Empire" you mention as a chief financial backer of your institution. May we suggest more customary investment methods, such as the Cardinal Capital Funds?

3) Instructors and administrators: A thorough review of your staff found several troubling deficiencies here, including, but not limited to:

Female instructors frequently dressed in outfits that some of our reviewers deemed "provocative" and others deemed "really sexist." (On an incidental note, many of us are interested in finding out just how your female staff keeps some of the exotic garb they seem to favor actually attached to their bodies.)

Several instructors accused of a) exploding things, b) physically harming students, c) kidnapping students, d) sleeping with students, e) failing to take sufficient graduate level courses in the subjects that they are expected to teach.

Distressing reports of your self-described "art teacher," a Mr. Logan (full name unknown), described as a psychotic with tendencies towards homicidal mania with a fixation on strange metals. We are of course well aware of the synergy between violence and art, but remain unconvinced that demonstrating the actual fights of a homicidal maniac represents appropriate secondary education pedagogy. You should at the least consider eliminating the claws. And the flying blood. We don't like the flying blood.

3) Your "Danger Room": As educationalists and advocates for the young, we naturally advocate required physical education. Nonetheless, we think you may agree that for most young students, PE is traumatic enough without incidental exposure to heavy flying objects, flames, explosions, and psychological terror that seems to constitute a core part of your Danger Room classes. (Incidentally, is resulting student panic from these classes at all related to your high roof expenditures?) At the least, we would strongly suggest limiting the necessity of infirmary visits for your students. Perhaps you should instead consider a nice focus on basketball?

5) Post-graduate success: We find tremendous concerns in this area, including failure among your graduates to find suitable employment; a tendency of many graduates to participate in wantonly destructive acts; and an alarming rate of mutilation, violent behavior, and even death amongst graduates, with at least one graduate reputedly so traumatized that she is completely unable to touch another human being. Another graduate, a Ms. Jean Grey (Dr.?) appears to have developed a pathological attachment to multiple suicide attempts and various faked "deaths." (See also our concerns under "instructors.") This leads us to question what type of psychological support your school may be offering.

We anticipate making a preliminary visit in a couple of weeks, and look forward to seeing you. Your female instructors should be prepared to wear their usual garb.

Sincerely,

Dr. Raven Darkholme and Dr. Eileen Harsaw,
NAECS