Mari Ness - Mission!

This entry brought to you by the makers of Bonine, the motion sickness medication that for once almost completely failed to work but at least gave a good solid effort.

Mission: to seek out new worlds and beat little aliens with sticks until they promise to rid all of us of all badly made chocolate.

Ok, not really.

Actual mission: Promote the joys of Walt Disney World to an unsuspecting worldwide audience. In other words, a TV commercial.

Situation: Disney is in urgent need of people to scream on their new ride. Grab two friends for exciting mission.

Solution: Scream on new ride.

07:00 hours: Wait, I don't have to be up yet. We don't have to be there until 11 am for the 11 am shift.

11:15 hours: We're not going to make it for the 11 am showing, are we?

12:15 hours: Clearly not.

13:15 hours: Plus, you know, urgent need to get Bonine before arriving at Animal Kingdom.

13:30 hours: Arrive at Animal Kingdom. Told to wait for photo shoot organizers, who are running slightly behind and slightly disorganized. (Much later, we will realize that this is perhaps the greatest statement of tact ever made by the Walt Disney Corporation.) Advised of presence of bathroom, shade trees, Rainforest Café, and small souvenir shop where we can buy Animal Kingdom things. Thank Disney for their helpfulness.

14:00 hours: Realize we are dying of hunger and will have to be on a roller coaster in a short while. Realize that we should probably eat now and not five minutes before getting on the roller coaster. I have a seasonal pass, so duck into Animal Kingdom and pick up some nicely overpriced lunches for all of us and duck out. (The use of the word "duck" is there because rarely have I ever had a lunch so overwhelmed by the presence of unhappy ducks wanting to eat my shoes, but this story is going on too long already.)

14:20 hours: Begin conversing with other commercial extras:

Excited teenager: I just talked to my cousin who was doing the earlier shift, and she had to ride it thirteen times in a row.

Me: Yeah, I can pretty much guarantee that I won't be doing that.

14:45: Although the production crew is supposed to be taking us inside at 15:00 hours, realize that they are completely and utterly missing in action.

14:50: Realize that this may be a bad sign.

14:55: Production crew arrives. Production crew realizes that they do not have enough release forms. Production crew also comes to the shocking and sudden realization that they do not have the organizational ability needed to pass out release forms and have people sign them.

15:05: Mass chaos. Production crew tries a bold but unsuccessful attempt to curb the chaos by suggesting everybody head to the bathroom.

15:06: Everybody just wants to sign the release form and ride the roller coaster.

15:07: Actually, by "everybody" we mean "everybody except the two teenage girls who are like, seriously hoping to start an acting career, like, like now, and like, might possibly be wearing way too much make-up."

15:08: Production crew realizes that events have spiraled out of control and completely fail to get the group to stand in line.

15:10: Production crew starts to hand out armbands to let us into the park, then stops handing out armbands, on the basis that they can't have armbands showing in the commercial.

15:12: More than one person begins to believe that this production crew is not entirely good at their job.

15:15: Against all available evidence, most notably people saying loudly that they have not yet signed their release forms, the production crew decides that everybody has signed a release form and we need to run inside because we are already very very late.

15:16: Production crew orders us to line up single file.

15:17: We are interrupted by my friend collapsing in laughter at the sight of about 150 extras notably not lining up in single file and still trying to explain that they have not yet signed their release forms.

15:18: Production crew reminds us that the instructions said that we could not wear white shirts, pants or shirts with any kind of logo on them.

15:18:15 The woman behind me is wearing a white T-shirt with Pooh and Tigger on it.

15:18:16 "It's not really a logo, is it?" she says. "Plus, I'll sit in the back."

15:25: At long last we are told to start following the production crew in a single file to Everest Expedition.

15:25:30: High amongst the list of "Things Not to Do on a Thursday in April" is "try to follow 150 people in a single line through Animal Kingdom, especially when Animal Kingdom is running its parade because many members of the group will trip over parade things."

15:30: Especially since we also have to walk past DinoLand USA.

15:30:10 DinoLand USA was not built for this kinda treatment.

15:30:30 Many people in the line want to look at the dinosaurs.

15:33: More or less unsafely past DinoLand USA, must face truly critical mission: getting past the press. Entire line of 150 people runs right over CNN's wires despite CNN saying, "PLEASE DON'T STEP ON THE WIRES!" In a nice sign of respect for the U.S. media everyone ignores this.

The rest of the press is pretty much just hanging out and eating. This is kinda cool.

15:34: Move past all of the fancy catering equipment meant for the High Class Party later that we are distinctly not invited to. See lots and lots of cameras everywhere.

15:36: Yep, sure enough, here we are at the ride…and there's a line.

15:37: Realize that I am in a desperate need of a Coke.

15:37:30 No Coke. This is Disney. How can they not have sodas and other terrible things for you just lying around?

15:38: The production crew orders us to Look Happy. I have no Coke. I am sad.

15:38:30 Think about Coke longingly, desperately, lovingly, in the sort of way I usually reserve for awesome sex or Voltron DVDs. Promise to dedicate my life to a Coke bottle.

15:38:45 Friend suggests that that may explain my problems with relationships.

15:39: Production crew takes pictures of us standing in line. "Look Happy!" Dudes. No one looks happy while standing in a Disney line. It's the nature of Disney lines. Plus, did we mention the lack of Coke?

15:42: They've put cameras on the roller coaster, presumably to catch us throwing up.

15:43: Excited teenager sits next to me. "OhmygodI'mgoingtoscreamsoloud," he tells me. "And I so threw up the last time I went on the Rockin' Roller Coaster."

15:43:15 This may not have been the best idea.

15:44: Production crew orders us to look happy.

15:45: Now we must yell.

15:46: And look happy.

15:47: How I am supposed to be a great actress without the assistance of Coke?

15:47:30 "LOOK HAPPY WHEN THE RIDE STARTS!"

15:48:40 "I'm going to throw up!" says the teenager.

15:48:45 "Oh, this is the part that makes me sickest. You know, the waiting. Except for the part where they spin us. Then I throw up."

15:49 I ask the teenager if he has ridden this before. "No," he admits. "But I'm sure I'll be sick."

15:50 And we're off, looking happy.

15:50:01 Expedition: Everest is undoubtedly a Very Cool and Different roller coaster experience. It also, and this point was not stressed strongly enough, goes backwards. Intellectually I have no problems with going backwards; emotionally I can go backwards; in my kitchen I have no problems taking a few steps back. When, however, I am in a jiggly train sort of thing being chased by a yeti next to a teenager screaming "OHMYGOD I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS I DON'T WANT TO BE ON TV!" backwards is just not the way to go. Shortly after this I decided that TV was the least of my problems and the best thing I could do would be to get off the ride, except that the Yeti had different ideas.

15:53 They will will toss out the shots made with me.

15:53:30 Decide that now would be an excellent time to discover the location of the nearest bathroom.

15:55 This has to be the first major Disney ride ever where the bathrooms are not located near the exit of the ride. (Which I can guarantee will be one of the major complaints.)

15:59: Spend some quality time on a very lovely bench, flat on my back, making contact and peace with my inner self, while my friends decided to do it again.

16:15: Said bench is on the sidelines of Major Party and some filming is going on. One guy and two women come up and start gushing at each other. Woman: "You MUST sign my book because NO ONE believes that I REALLY know you and I HAVE TO HAVE PROOF."

"Oh," says man, attempting false modesty. "Nobody really knows me, really."

"Oh," says woman. "I mean, everyone knows you – you're probably the best known person here."

More blabber about this. Man finally offers to demonstrate in a nicely false modest manner that the average everyday person will not be able to recognize him. He points to me. "She probably doesn't know who I am," he says, in a way that clearly means that he believes the direct opposite. "Miss, do you know who I am?"

I haven't a clue.

(And I'll tell you, I still don't know who he was. This bothers me.)