Mari Ness - The WB/UPN merger

So quite a few bloggers, and quite a few readers, have noted with apprehension or glee the upcoming merger of the WB and UPN channels, with some hoping wistfully that this will mean the permanent removal of America's Top Model (ok, this is probably just me and L); and most wondering worriedly what this might do to the upcoming fall television season when the schedules get combined.

Schedules? Come on, people. Think big. The WB/UPN combination can go far, far beyond scheduling Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars on the same night. Because here we have an opportunity to combine not just schedules, but whole shows. A small sampling of the possibilities:

Veronica Mars – Smallville

Veronica Mars arrives in Smallville and instantly begins to probe the town's mysteries; having five times the intelligence of most people in that little Kansas sure looks like Vancouver town, it takes her approximately two episodes to realize that Something Is Up with Clark, and three episodes to find herself ensnared in Lex Luthor's plots. Clark prevents another bus from heading over a cliff, thereby robbing Veronica of several potential plot lines. He and Veronica exchange marvelously exquisite dialogue provided by Veronica Mars's writers, which proves to be too much for Clark, who finds himself missing bland Lana dialogue. Fans everywhere beg him not to return to bland Lana dialogue. In the meantime, Sam Jones III (Pete) returns for a guest spot and finds himself snogging Charisma Carpenter, which confuses all American viewers who still don't know what "snogging" means, but any criticism is immediately halted when Charisma Carpenter gets naked. Also, Aquaman is killed and immediately becomes a zombie, forecasting the interest level in his upcoming show. The subplot of zombie dolphins chasing Veronica Mars raises ire from environmentalists but allows Veronica and Chloe to bond over a shared "ick."

Enterprise – One Tree Hill

I know, I know. Enterprise was cancelled already, but honestly, when did a little thing like time stop a single Star Trek plot? Ok, well, maybe all of Star Trek V, but then again, didn't you wish that something would stop that one? And, ok, yes, Star Trek I was a little bit draggy. And, ok...

...ok, I've never seen One Tree Hill. You want honesty out of me, you'll get honesty. What the hell is this show anyway? The few commercials I've seen for it keep showing more than one tree.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown - Gilmore Girls

Lorelai and Rory finally realize that the only way to solve their problems is to stop all of this insightful, well written dialogue crap and just wrestle each other under the big lights, a decision that incidentally raises the ratings of the wrestling federation when Alexis Bledel (Rory) hints that it's just possible that her shirt will be ripped during the proceedings. Everybody remembers that UPN is just fine showing bits of naked breasts (Enterprise body lotion shots, anyone?) and cheers up.

Firefly -- Seventh Heaven

In a bizarre and unforeseen time twist the crew of Serenity falls into a time warp showing up at the offices of Fox Television, where they learn the truth about the atrocious handling of their filmed adventures. Jayne shoots two executives of Fox Television, to the applause and relief of many inside and outside Hollywood. Terrified Fox executives agree to restore the show, but the crew agrees that they will never, ever trust Fox again, and insist on heading to a new network. Hurt by this disparaging annoucement, Fox execs throw the crew onto the set of the WB/UPN Seventh Heaven. To everybody's relief, Jayne shoots the entire cast of Seventh Heaven, except for the dog, because the dog is cute. Also, Mal and Inara finally make use of one of the wholesome cheery bedrooms on the show. The resulting scene is immediately downloaded across the planet.

Charmed

Various attempts are made by various writers to combine Charmed with any of the UPN shows, but are finally cancelled when people realize that Charmed just sucks.