Mari Ness - February 21st, 2008

Why is that my rare days of working from home always coincide with the leaf-blower dude?

So yesterday most of the office, of course, was chatting about either the Lunar Eclipse Soon to Be Eclipsed by Rain, or the Spy Satellite That Will Soon Kill Us All. For those who may have been hiding under a rock, the story goes something like this: the U.S. military filled a satellite with poisonous gas, and helpfully launched the satellite way, way out of the reach of anyone who might possibly want to steal said poisonous gas and launch it at coworkers (this last admitted to with some embarassment) thus protecting us all, until, at last, they remembered that the satellite was a product of the U.S. government, and therefore, highly flawed, with the result that the satellite could fall on us at any given moment and kill everybody inside a two football field sized area, a threat that the Pentagon decided to answer in a typically grandiose fashion by planning to just blast it out of the sky so that the poison could fall on everybody, instead of just, say, Mississippi.

Which the Navy apparently already did, so expect to be poisoned any minute now.

Anyway, the point of this entry is not so much to praise the awesome coolness of the Navy's cheerful ability to poison us all, but to note that the entire discussion led us to the realization that we have finally found the single, most awesome, most important goal for the upcoming U.S. government, a goal that all nations and citizens can get behind:

PAINTBALL IN SPACE!!!!

Seriously.

You can't tell me that a nation such as ours, with high technology, an extraordinary ability to waste money, AND a love for shoot 'em up video games, science fiction, and reality TV should not be going for this. Here's the way we see it: Paintball teams from all over the world blasting into space, putting on space suits, and then, using the power of paint and momentum to go sailing EVERYWHERE while taking in the awesome view of our planet and the stars. Done right, this could even be combined with elementary school fieldtrips. And for adults, the Paintball activities could immediately be followed by Adult Freefall Activities inside the spaceship. Any world arguments? Settled with Paintball in Space!

You can't tell me this wouldn't solve all global problems.

(Even if saying "Paintball in Space" immediately made me think, "Pigs! In! Space!"

(We had an even sillier conversation concerning the usefulness of unicorns for public transportation, but I'll spare you.)

In the meantime, I must admit that knowing that the Navy could at any moment shoot down a spy satellite full of poison gas right over my apartment is not quite providing the motivation for doing the laundry that it should. I mean, if I'm just going to get shot down anyway...

International Herald Tribune reports that Obama has won the Democrats Abroad primary. The interesting part of the article is buried way, way down:

The party will send 14 pledged delegates to the convention, each with a half vote. The primary was used to determine nine people, or the equivalent of 4.5 delegates. Obama won 2.5 and Clinton won two, according to Schon Marques.

So, what happens with a half a delegate? Does this unfortunate person need to arrive half dressed? Allowed to listen to only half the speeches? Get to eat half a pizza? Miss (fortunately) half the media coverage?

Seriously, um....what?

Loud and acrimonious debate while in line at Target over whether or not Strawberry Shortcake is, indeed, a "stripper's tattoo."