Mari Ness - January 30th, 2008

So as you might have heard (right here on this blog, actually) Florida had a small little primary yesterday. But again, none of you want to know about that. What you want to know is what happened to our man Mike Gravel. After all, the strangeness that is Florida would seem to be a natural fit for the strangeness that is the rock-throwing Mike Gravel. Has he been able to follow his growing popularity, his surge of momentum, the love he generates through throwing rocks?

I am pleased to say a definite yes to this. As of 7:32 pm, the Florida Department of Elections, admittedly not one of the most reliable entities on the planet, reports that based on 99% of precincts reporting in, Mike Gravel has won a grand total of 5,236 votes, or .3% of the vote. The momentum is there, people, it's there. But in reading over the media coverage, I was shocked, shocked, to find that CNN and MSNBC, to name but two organizations, were maliciously and deliberately leaving this completely out of their coverage. This is CNN. Note that they continue to list Kucinich, who a) has dropped out of the race and b) actually got fewer votes than either Joe Biden or Bill Richardson, who also jumped out of the race. But do they mention Mike Gravel, who is still actively campaigning? No.

To somewhat balance this out, CNN also ignored the candidacy/votes for Alan Keyes, who, I was shocked to see, was actually listed on the Florida Republican ballot, despite being -- how do we put this -- certifiably nuts. (He received 3,980 votes, only beating out Tom Tancredo, who has also left the race.)

Oh media. We have given up on any hope for accuracy from you or any hope that any of you may learn math (Quote from last night: "John McCain won a sizeable majority...." Numbers from the Florida Department of Elections: 36%, a strong plurality and a definite win, but not a majority, sizeable or not.) But can we hold out any hope that your coverage will at least be complete?

On a related note, I am extremely displeased to note that, once again, the media started reporting Florida votes while people were still voting.. Florida stretches into two time zones, so the Panhandle continues to vote an hour after the rest of the state, and state law says that voters in line at 7 pm have the right to vote, which left some people in Broward and Miami-Dade (it's always Broward and Miami-Dade) voting right up until 8:25 pm, even after the media were reporting the numbers, and even after this sort of idiocy helped cause the confusion of the 2000 election. Media. I'm ok with waiting until everybody has voted before I find the results. That's kinda the point.

So some time ago I decided to invest in a Cat Wheel of Fun, in the hopes that this might help distract the Grey One from her ongoing anxiety attacks about…about whatever it is that cats have anxiety attacks about. (Since she does live with me, presumably many of these anxiety attacks concern the world's perilously declining tuna stocks, but that's a separate entry.) The Cat Wheel of Fun, I was assured, would bring any cat a sense of joy and peace and safety.

The chief problem with the Cat Wheel of Fun is that its designers forgot that, by its very nature, it will need to be assembled in the presence of cats. The marketing blurb was quite right to note that the materials used in the Cat Wheel of Fun are highly attractive and fun for cats. What the marketing blurb left out: as a result, the cats' human will spend significant assembly time removing a furry black and white creature off the Cat Wheel of Fun, creating situations like this:

"I CAN'T PUT THE STICK IN IF YOU ARE STANDING ON IT!"

Small furry black and white creature squeaks, then falls down on it and rolls around happily. Human removes small furry black and white creature. More squeaks. Small furry black and white creature leaps back on unassembled Cat Wheel of Fun. "I HAVE TO PUT THE STICK IN!"

"Squeak!"

I did, eventually, persuade the small furry black and white creature that his time was better spent elsewhere, and assembled things, and assembled things, until it came time to use Piece E, clearly shown in the instruction manual, clearly visible at the start of the assembly process, and clearly not at all visible now near the half assembled Cat Wheel of Fun. I also couldn't help noticing the suspicious absence of a small furry black and white creature. A very very long search finally found Piece E under the bed, and I have to be honest here, a Piece E that now had tiny teeth marks in it.

"Cat," I said, warningly.

"Squeak."

Others owned by cats have already guessed what happened with the Cat Wheel of Fun after all this: the Grey One looked at it in a considering sort of way, and then headed straight for the hot water heater to curl up on that instead.