Mari Ness - National Treasure

Wow.

Just wow.

And not in a good way.

You know, for a moment there -- during Pirates of the Caribbean I actually had a hope or two for Jerry Bruckheimer, that he might just possibly be able to rise up above the ludicrously bad awfulness of his films.

And then we have this film. There's dumb, and then there's dumb. Consider this:

1) Characters, watching the obligatory Big Explosion near the beginning of the film, turn to each other and say, "Let's get out of here before somebody sees the smoke." They're north of the Arctic Circle. Who are they worried about? Polar bears?

2) Cheerfully enough, another set of characters displays no concern over being trapped in the Arctic since, after all, they are only nine miles away from an "Inuit village," and, as we all know, those Inuit villages exist strictly to save characters dumb enough to get trapped in the Arctic.

2) The National Archives decides to clean the Declaration of Independence during a major Gala Event in honor of various donors.

3) They put lemon juice on the Declaration of Independence.

4) Before putting lemon juice on the Declaration of Independence, one of the characters announces that she is a curator "trained in the handling of ancient documents." At this point, she proceeds to pick up a Q-tip (yes, really) and squeezes the lemon onto the Q-tip before brushing the Declaration of Independence with lemon juice.

5) Despite the fact that as a curator trained in the handling of ancient documents she would know full well that the actual Declaration of Independence is stored in a strictly climate controlled environment with limited access to water vapor for a reason said curator then proceeds to breathe on the Declaration "to bring heat to it." Words fail me.

6) Did I mention the lemon juice?

7) But anyway. Hunted by a bunch of bad guys with guns and a bunch of FBI agents and a bunch of other people, do our heroes a) go into hiding? b) work to formulate a clever plan? No: c: They head to Urban Outfitters and have a nice loud conversation, in public, about their problems. Geesh.

8) Urban Outfitters accepts a $100 bill without question, and then, the clerk at Urban Outfitters agrees to temporarily exchange the bill for a watch.

9) People zip in and out of historical monuments without security or, more critically, crowds. (The Signing Room in Philadelphia is crowded, people.)

10) Conveniently enough, just as they reach the Deep Dark Scary Room, they just happen to find torches that according to the plot have been buried for 200 or more years and according to the plot again immediately light on fire.

11) Which is good, since although they are heading underground, and although they are in New York City, where you can buy anything and everything, nobody takes a moment to go and buy a flashlight.

12) Or rope.

13) Although they find some rope, which was awfully nice of the Founding Fathers to think of.

14) Villains who have previously displayed an astounding recollection of (inaccurate) U.S. history trivia suddenly and conveniently can't recall a single detail of "Paul Revere's Ride." (I'm not expecting most people to remember the poem, mind you, but somebody with enough knowledge to remember what's written on the Liberty Bell would probably remember their Longfellow.)

15) Did I mention that they put lemon juice on the Declaration of Independence?